Attack of the Gherkins


Gherkin: A gherkin is a variety of cucumber: the West Indian or burr gherkin, which produces a somewhat smaller fruit than the garden cucumber. Gherkins are cooked, eaten raw, or used as a pickle. Gherkins are usually picked when 4-8cm (1-3 inches) in length and pickled in jars or cans with vinegar or brine. (source:

 Gherkins belong as a garnish on a salad, are delicious when dipped in hummus, and are often housed and matured in jars. The gherkins I’ll be discussing in this and the next few posts is not about the fruit (and yes a cucumber is a fruit – it has seeds). The gherkins I’m referring to are little dicks (yea- I said it!) The little (1-5”) dicks in the world and the harsh reality I was faced with when I realized that the sex world as I knew it was under attack with all these gherkins roaming around.

A little back-story.

I lost my virginity at 14: he was a 16, Puerto Rican, and lived in the next building over. I had seen him from my second floor window all spring and he saw me too. One hot day after graduation from my school I called him out the window and he met me in the staircase. We chatted a bit and exchanged numbers. The next day I saw him walking past my window again and I called out to him. This time he asked me to come to his apartment, he lived in with his mother and we had sex. Many women dream of a love filled, sexual exchange for their first time. I was not that girl. I just wanted to see what all the hype was about and to get it over with; and I did exactly that. He was perfectly shaped and well endowed around 6.5-7” (I knew because late night I was up watching adult TV when I should have been asleep). So in the time of an hour I went from virgin to not. I will admit it wasn’t the horror story I’ve heard from other women. It was quite enjoyable for me and essentially that’s how my teenage and adolescent years went. I loved sex. I couldn’t get enough of it. If I could have it every day I would and I was the true definition of insatiable. Growing up we just called people with high libidos ‘freaks’ and I could honestly care less- I was happy and satisfied.

From the age of 14 until my mid 20s I was blessed with the sexual partners that matched both my libido and southern-physical-requirements. Not once, during my 16 plus years of sex had I come across a gherkin. So imagine my surprise when I broke up with my ex in 2015 and started dating again I met my first one. OH! The horror!

I started speaking to R_Badoo in January of 2015. He was very cute, Latino, lived in the Bronx, and was very sweet. We spoke on the phone a few times, light conversation and sexual flirtation nothing too heavy. We met up one day after work and went for a walk. We talked about running, work, and goals, etc. He seemed very nice, when we kissed before parting ways his kiss was very powerful. To myself I thought any man that kisses like that would definitely be great in bed. On our next date we agreed to hang out at his place on Super Bowl. I met him at his place we went and got dinner. After eating at the local Spanish restaurant, we went back to his place and relaxed in his room. We started to kiss and clothes started to come off, he attempted to have sex raw (no condom) and I stopped that shit real quick. We put on all our clothes walked 20 minutes to the Duane Reade to buy condoms.

I let him choose which condoms to buy- as a test. Like many men, coating their egos, he grabbed the famous magnum (black box, gold wrappers). I had already seen his business and I thought to my self, I hope he’s a grower. (a grower: is a term used to describe a man with a penis that appears small until he is aroused and then it ‘grows’ in length. A shower: is a man that is exactly what you see both flaccid and erect). We got back to his place started back up and to my disappointment he definitely was not a grower. He was exactly what he showed… A gherkin. I give him points for his libido and ability to keep going but it was overall very minimal, in every aspect of the word. When we were done I gathered up all my broken hopes of phenomenal sex I had anticipated for that day and he paid for my cab home. We talked from time to time and he continued asking me to come over but I always declined. I wanted what I had known majority of my sex life. What was this little gherkin and why would the lord punish a man like that? I thought to myself as the time passed. I told myself I would be wiser next time and fuck! I was fooled again.

I started talking to X_OKC sometime in 2016/17 (honestly not sure). He had mentioned he taught at UFC and I used my ClassPass app to take one of his classes. The class was great and when it was done we went for dinner and drinks in the area.

He was cool, funny, and we got along well. He didn’t move to fast so all in all the first date went well.

The second date we met much later; we met for drinks then went back to his place. I mentioned my sore back and he commenced to give me a massage. Naturally we began to undress and in the light of his room everything was a disaster. The body that I thought was nice and toned was actually flubby. And his teeth… I didn’t notice on the first date because we sat side by side but when I think back there was a weird smell coming from his mouth. When we met earlier that night and walked to his place I smelled it again. And, when his rough teeth grazed my neck and he pulled away I finally saw full on, the horror that was his teeth.

Imagine you eat a poppy seed bagel and all the black seeds get stuck in your teeth. Now imagine, you keep eating poppy seed bagels, never brush you teeth and/or rinse our your mouth. That was the horror that was his teeth. Lord Help Me! I have to work on my exit strategy going forward. I should have run right then. 

He tried to kiss me but I said I was sick and didn’t want to give him my cold. He tried to lick my breast and I wouldn’t let him. (I have piercings and I did not want whatever was manifesting in his mouth to infiltrate my breasts). He asked me to give him head and it took all my energy to hold back my laughter. Head to what??? He had to be joking. Right!!

Disclaimer: Men if you grab your penis with your thumb and forefinger to stroke, you’re probably a gherkin; at least in my book. There are many women that feel 6” is too big for them and that’s fine for them. But I never want a snack. I want the whole damn meal. If you’re less than 6” you should move on to the next woman.

Eventually he couldn’t get it to stay up and I was not going to assist in any manner. Any effort I would put it would not garner me any rewards for me so I just sat there and played with my phone #sorrynotsorry. After 20 minutes I said I had an early morning and I called an Uber and went home.

Out of this situation I established a one new rule. 1-NO Yuck Mouth! I don’t need perfect teeth but they have to be clean and decent looking.

And I was faced with a new dilemma. How could I guarantee my future time would not be wasted on gherkins? I wish I could say I am one of those women where sex isn’t important in the relationship but I’d be lying like a rug. Size Does Matter and like I said in the beginning; I love sex and I want it with a sizeable penis and an insatiable nature. So how do I guarantee that my future partner has a nice sized penis without asking for confirmation and/or without coming across as a hoe that only wants sex?

(Attack of the Gherkins continues in Part 2)

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