One late evening I found myself scrolling through one of my many dating apps, left and/or right swiping the men that came across my screen. If you didn’t have a profile filled out: you got left swiped and if I read your profile and I got the, ‘for play only vibe’ I, again, would left-swipe you.
So, I take my time with the process: I select my most flattering pictures, write a well thought out whit filled and intriguing profile and hope that I get a right swipe. In later years I have become bolder. Before I used to wait for all messages to come to me. Now, I figured, I’d take a chance and try to message first. If I right-swipe a guy and the app indicates he has liked my profile as well I will, on occasion, read through his profile, come to a logical conclusion of his intentions (based on what he says), then send him a message. A simple “Happy Monday” (or whatever day it is) is a safe opening line, nothing too long or specific. It’s usually a random toss up, but you have to be in it to win it, and sometimes I get a response. And for the other times when I am contacted first I’ll read their profile and determine if I should reply, skip, or block them. Sometimes it’s good and other times it is not. Some are upfront that they only want sex, some want more that what I care to give, and others have no business even being on a dating app (get your life together before you try and have a girlfriend- with your broke asses).
With over a decade of online dating and more in recent years I have learned to deal with all the above types. However, there is one type that always seems to catch me off guard and will forever leave me scratching my head with an aching heart; and that is being SEX-ZONED.
This is not to be confused with FRIEND-ZONE. Being placed in the friend zone would imply actually knowing and/or meeting a person and hanging out, until one person decides that there is no real chemistry there to pursue a relationship; yet they want you around for company or sex. so they put you in the friend zone.
SEX ZONE: Is when a person (in this case- a man) decides that another person (in this case- me, a woman) is not desirable for anything other than sex. I am good enough to fuck but not good enough to date. This decision mainly happens before they (we) actually meet. (And, sadly, the conversation never rebounds from there; it just dies). They engage in playful light conversation, seem engaged in really wanting to get to know you (me) and then, enter sex talk, and the moment you don’t engage, they are on to the next woman.
For all it was worth; my carefully chosen profile photos and my whit filled profile did not do enough to entice him to want to get to know me further if I wont guarantee sex on the first date (if a date even happens). This is always a sad moment with online dating, and sadly I don’t see a change happening. In the last year, on numerous occasions, that I did not see coming. I have been SEX ZONED way more times than I would like to admit. It starts with engaging conversations, jokes, laughs then I then:
Guy: “I want to fuck”
Me: “I don’t even know you- that’s too fast”
Guy: “Ok Bye!”
Now, let’s take a moment and be realistic. We all want to have sex with someone. I have never engaged in conversation with a man that I met from a dating app that I was not physically and could grow to be sexually attracted to. You can also be the most amazing person in the world but as we are meeting in the shallowest way possible, if I don’t find you attractive, I wont give you the time of day. It’s safe to assume that on some level you also find me physically attractive, or you wouldn’t message me. So the idea that you want to have sex with me will never be a surprise, the surprise and annoyance is when you ONLY want to have sex with me, and if I don’t respond with a “yes- I’ll go to pound town with you” the conversation ends there, like a gunshot through the heart.
I was talking to M_Hinge a while back. I liked his picture and he messaged me back and we started to talk. The conversation was normal (no red flags) so we exchanged numbers and started talking on the phone. We discussed work, travel, hobbies, and food likes and dislikes. The conversation seemed to be going well for about 2 weeks, very PG so nothing set off my alarms. We talked a little about past relationships and being let down, the normal stuff. Then all of a sudden the conversation took a left turn. He sent me a dick pick; there were so many emotions running through my head at that moment. I was thinking to myself: When did I ask for this? Did I ever imply that maybe I wanted this? And just, Why? There was a momentary pause as the bubbles floated on the screen and then he sent his message:
“You seem like a nice person, however, I’m not trying to get into anything serious right now but I would love to please your body.”
On the other end of the phone I was so FUCKING annoyed.
There are a plethora of men that approach me on apps with no filter for what they want. If their profile didn’t proclaim their intentions they are quite upfront within the first few exchanges. They usually have one or two word responses, call me sexy, and constantly mention my body. Those men annoy me but at least they are upfront about what they want. They don’t pussyfoot around it, act like they want a real connection then spring a dick pic on you.
Needless to say, we stopped talking after that day but it never ceases to amaze me, how someone can so easily put another person in a sexual box that it could be damn near impossible to get out of. If we go on a date and we’re enjoying cocktails and the night leads us back to your place; that’s one thing. But to talk to someone via a dating app, engage in actual meaningful conversations then surprise him or her with the fact that you only want to have sex and if they don’t want to, you’re done with them, is just an asshole move.
I read through so many male profiles that claim they want meaningful conversations, are tired of shallow women, want a girl that’s down to earth; yet will also put that woman with real potential into the SEX-ZONE. Seriously WTF?
Just an insider tip to any men that read this post: If you only want to fuck- say that up front, make it part of your profile, as there are plenty women that are DTF. Its easy to get your dick wet these days, but don’t waste a woman’s time (for days and weeks), acting like you care to only hurt her feelings when you decide to expose your true intentions.
(The Sex Zone continues and concludes next week)