At a point in my life, when I was no longer interested in a man, I would, overtime, progressively decrease contact. A text and/or call that used to happen a few times a day would start to happen once a day, then once every two or three days, then once a week. In addition to communication dropping we would also see each other less and less. Eventually, he would get the hint and we would stop talking all together.
The last time I resorted to the above method, I was in my early twenties.
As a woman of 31 (32 on June 11th– YAS!) I can look back and honestly say that how I went about it was totally and utterly childish. Picking up the phone and stating that I was no longer interested would have been the adult thing to do- like ripping off a Band-Aid. But, for some reason, in my twisted mind, it made total sense at the time. I wanted to believe that being let down in that manner would hurt less for the man. I was always worried about not hurting their feelings. It took me a while to realize that a man’s feelings are not like a woman’s. They may be pissed for a day but once the next banging-bodied-chick walks by, they would be over me and on to the next.
So, when I jumped back into this dating thing, I told myself to be as upfront and honest as possible. I told myself to speak my truth and to never feel sorry about being honest. Since, after all, honesty is the best policy.
So, it should only annoy me when a man I am dating (the act of going out on dates- not sexual) does exactly that… Disappears into radio silence.
I met S_Tinder in the summer of 2017. He was a co-owner of a café in Astoria queens and the same age as me. His profile listed a lot of similar likes and from his pictures he looked quite attractive; so I actually took a chance and messaged him and he responded back. We talked through the app for a few weeks and agreed to meet when I got back from vacation, the beginning of September. I met him after my Thursday spin class in Times Square; we hugged then proceeded to walk to the east side. I was quite hungry, after a long day of work and an intense spin class, and I wanted to see if he would offer to get dinner in the area, which he did not. Rather than be a brat I decided to go with the flow of the date. We walked across 42ndstreet to Tudor City (an area in Manhattan). On the walk we talked about music and movies we both liked and series we both followed and musicals we liked as well. We arrived at Tudor City, after about 30 minutes, but couldn’t stay because of the United Nations conference, so we walked all the way back to Times Square. We decided to sit down and talk at Bryant Park. By that time I was famished, and I got a dessert from Waffles & Dinges. He also got himself something. (Just to mention- He did not offer to pay for my $10 dessert)- Mental Note #1.
We sat there and ate our desserts, talked some more then we walked to the train and we each headed home. It took a while for our second date to be scheduled; shifts at the café and last minute callouts of work that he had to go in for.
Our next date happened right before Halloween. We met downtown on West 4th, stopped in a store to check out Halloween costumes then walked to a burger spot on Saint Marks. We each had a burger deluxe and I also got had soda. This time the conversation had a little more sustenance. I found out his birthday was near and we lightly discussed past relationships. He told me about an over obsessive girl he once dated and I mentioned a similar experience. The date, overall, went well and then the check came. The check sat on the table for what seemed like an eternity (probably 5-8 minutes). Eventually he picks it up and says: “I guess I’ll get this one, since we had to reschedule so many times” (In my mind, at that exact moment I thought to myself ‘that’s a DICK thing to say). To deliberately point out the fact that for “this one” you’ll get the check- seriously dude- Mental Note #2. We left the burger place and decided to get dessert at The Spot (a local dessert bar in Manhattan). When the check came I offered to pay, making it a pre-birthday gift. Once again, when we were done we walked to our trains and went our separate ways.
On the third date, in November, we met at Union Square. We walked through the shops and when we both got hungry we found an Indian restaurant. At dinner we joked and he told me how the business was going. I made a joke about him being romantic as he prepared our plates when the food came and we enjoyed our meal. When the check came (around $60) he picked up the bill then pulled out cash for his meal- Mental Note #3. Luckily, I brought cash this time and I paid my portion of my meal. Slightly annoyed that I had to, and yet I was totally prepared to do so. The date ended in its same fashion as before.
Our next date was in December, a little before Christmas. Around this time of the year I like to visit the holiday window displays. I get super excited to do all the holiday stuff, sip the holiday drinks and watch cheesy holiday movies. When I mentioned to him what I was planning, he said that he would like to come along. So we arranged one evening to meet by Macys and walk our way up to Bryant Park, then Saks 5thAvenue and then finish at Bergdorf Goodman. I was as giddy as a 5 year old. He, on the other hand, was quite mellow. We watched the Saks window display which was the highlight of the tour then, once again, headed our separate ways.
Over the next few weeks we would speak every other day. We would discuss work and shows and goals. I wasn’t sure where we were headed and/or what we were doing. Especially since, with the 4 dates we had, we never exchanged more than a hug; we never held hands or kissed. I, on a whim, had invited him to come with my friends and I on a weekend ski trip, planned for March. I invited him as a friend because he told me he also enjoys skiing, and I figured if we continued to get to know each other, at any level, it would be cool to have him tag a long, because we clearly got along well. Unfortunately, he had to decline because he said he would not be able to take time off work.
This response had me scratching my head. Keep in mind: all this time, he told me he was part owner of this café. Yet his inability to plan and or have any real time off made him seem more like an employee.I mean 4 months notice is more than enough time to plan coverage if you really want to do something, so his excuse didn’t make sense to me.
So, one day, after feeling a change in the current, I decided to not text him- just to see what would happen. One day turned into two, that turned into a week, and that turned into radio silence. We never spoke again.
I was totally annoyed: 4 dates, great conversations, countless similarities and likes, and then nothing. How could someone lose interest to never make contact again? I mean you wait 4 months to just disappear? After his lack of desire to pay for our dates and or be romantic in any real way, I made a case in my mind that, either he preferred to move slowly or was not interested in me romantically- which would have been fine. I just wished he made that clear.
I thought about calling him and asking the question, yet refused to give him the satisfaction of me wondering about him.
This popular trend, also know as GHOSTING, is something I am all too familiar with in the world of online dating. I just hope that from now on my luck changes and people can say what they feel. If you don’t like me- just say so. Trust me- I’ll live.