When I started this blog I felt I had more than enough material from my past that I wouldn’t need to write about any current situations. However, as it seems shit just keeps happening, I figured I’d be as transparent as possible, when necessary. So this is a little story about a guy I was recently seeing D_CMB.
We started talking on CMB (Coffee Meets Bagel). I’d never had much luck but I figured I’d give it another try. I’m not sure if I messaged him or if it was the other way around; but none the less, we started talking. He: 29yoa, part Kenyan, lives in Harlem, in college for his Masters. We spoke for about two weeks then agreed to meet one Wednesday evening. We met at a restaurant not to far from my house. We sat at the bar and talked about work, and how he was looking forward to finishing his externship in a few weeks. We ordered dinner, he got a beer and we watched a little bit of the playoffs game. All in all, the conversation flowed smoothly, he was educated and well spoken which, was a breath of fresh air from all the slang and mispronunciation I was forced to deal with over the years. I spoke about my racing and running and fitness goals and he was not shy about complimenting on my body. Normally I would not take the compliment so well but they seemed genuine and without a hidden agenda. The only hiccup for me was that he seemed a little too straight and narrow. A little Poindexter, at first glance, but I turned out to be very surprised as time passed. He loved rap, basketball, Tupac and smoked weed. At the end of the date he walked me back to my building, we hugged then he went home. He sent me a text; that it was great meeting me and he was looking forward to seeing me again.
We continued to speak for the following days. Our second date was the following Thursday, after my spin class. After I showered, he was still running a little late so I decided to get dinner by my class. We met uptown in Harlem and settled on a French restaurant. I wasn’t hungry so I just ordered dessert and a latte, he had lobster mac & cheese and a few beers, and again he paid. When we left we walked back to his building. He invited me up but I declined since I still wasn’t sure about him. He looked a little disappointed but I just wasn’t ready and I had a class early in the morning. I texted him when I got home and once again he expressed that he enjoyed my company and looked forward to seeing me again.
Our next date was set for the following Thursday. I had a running class downtown in Noho and planned to see him after. Not really wanting to go all over again and since he was already home I went by his place and ordered Thai. Sitting down on the couch he was way more comfortable than he was when we were out on our dates. He was way more affection: cuddling, holding my hand, caressing my arm, and kissing me (his kisses were extremely powerful). It became obvious that we both wanted to have sex so we went into his bedroom.
We started kissing again; he removed his and my clothes, he kissed and licked by breasts and then he went down on me, and as it was phenomenal I happily returned the favor. When we went to have sex I was able to put to bed all my concerns. He was quite well endowed and he knew how to use every inch of it. We had sex 2 times that night and once in the morning. In the morning I caught a cab home, showered and went to work. We spoke throughout the day and for the following days, like before. The next time I went to his place after dinner and drinks with my coworkers; good conversation and great sex again. We repeated this routine a few more times over the course of the next 2 weeks.
My birthday was approaching and I invited him to join my friends and I at a 90s music sing-a-long in Brooklyn on Friday; and also to the strip club on Saturday. He wasn’t able to make it to the event on Friday. His reason was that his family was still celebrating his brother’s college graduation, so I didn’t stress. While at the strip club, partying it up with my friends I was surprised and excited to see that he was on his way. I never introduce my friends to men I’m dating and/or sleeping with so this was a huge deal that he actually showed up. Naturally, we went back to his house and had sex. I noticed a denim jacket that was definitely not his on the floor.
I must make it clear: We never discussed exclusivity or our sexationship becoming anything more. I was fully aware that he had 3 more years of school to finish and the idea of a relationship would probably be the last thing on his mind. I was having a good time and I didn’t want to ruin it. So I commenced to have another lovely sex-session with him. That morning I woke up and went to the spa with my family.
The following week was a bit of a shit show; I had a lot of random plans, as did he.
I offered to treat him to a bikram yoga class the Sunday after my Saturday race and he said he was excited to go. On Monday he wished me Happy Birthday. He asked me when I would be available that week and said he wanted to take me out for my birthday. I told him Wednesday would work and we agreed to meet up then. On Tuesday we joked about me being a year older. We talked about his free time and him finally having a moment to relax. On Wednesday, for some reason, the day felt off. I packed my bag to go to my workout class in the event that he had to cancel and reschedule our date and I went to work as usual.
Then the following happened:
Me: “Good Morning” (10:35am)
D_CMB: “Hey you, how’s it going?” (2:35pm)
Me: “Slow. Listening to Motown music and doing sketches” (2:42pm)
Me: “What time are we meting up?” (2:50pm)
Me: “?” (4:55pm)
D_CMB: “Hey Carolyn, so sorry… I’m not going to be able to make it out tonight. I think you’re great, I just have a lot on my plate right now and I’m not really in the right place to be seeing anyone at the moment. I’m really sorry; I know this is out of the blue. It’s been awesome getting to know you and it’s nothing you did, I jus have some shit going on in my life that I have to address right now. (5:01pm)
I stared down at my phone in complete disbelief. I became pissed to an entirely new level. Old Carolyn would have taken what he said at face value; but new Carolyn new that was she was looking at was a crock of shit and here is why.
- When I met him, he was in the last few weeks of his externship. He was more than willing and able to make time to see me then. So, for him to not have time now that school was done made no sense.
- If he wasn’t looking for any serious commitment; online dating is the perfect vehicle to make that totally clear. (Dating & Hookups = Don’t have much time to invest but I want to get busy in dating app language)
- Other than the first 2 dates, all the other times we connected were when he was home and had free time. I never put pressure on his time spent with me since we were only having sex. So TIME was never an issue.
- It was a total slap in my face: It was the week of my Birthday, he chose Wednesday (we spoke Monday & Tuesday and there was no indication that he was having second thoughts) and we had plans for Saturday-Sunday.
- Lastly, if he felt that I was putting strain on his TIME he would’ve said he wanted to dial it back or was not looking for anything serious. But the complete shut-down meant more was going on.
So I called him out on his bullshit excuse.
Me: “Seriously? I’m not buying that. You knew what you were dealing with when we started talking on CMB. If that was the case then you shouldn’t have talked to me or you would have made it clear from the very beginning. So this sudden change of heart (especially the week of my birthday) makes me feel there is another reason for your walking away. But it is what it is. I wish you all the best. (5:09pm)
I didn’t go to my class; I was too sad. I went to Mexicue, had a margarita and tacos. I thought about how and/or why would-could he be so abrupt and this felt awfully familiar. And I realized that sudden departure was due to another female. My spidey senses told me that they were probably taking a breakand they decided to try and make it work and the only way he could do that was to completely cut me off.
At first I was extremely sad; I vented to many friends and tons of strangers on Reddit. Annoyed about having to meet someone else, and deal with new bs, and risk having bad sex- UGH! But eventually, after a week and a half, I got over it. At least, he did say bye.
When we would talk about my blog he often said, I hope you don’t write about me. I did warn him as long as he didn’t act like an ass he would be safe. If he had just said, “me and my ex are trying to work things out” he would not have become the topic of this post. However, since he acted like an ass (by giving me a bs excuse) I had to include him. So- if he reads this, he will know it’s him. Hi Casper- The Unfriendly Ghost!