Every post I have written, thus far, has been about the men that I’ve encountered and how they were in the wrong. However, there comes a time when one must take a step back, look at their current situation, and consider the actions that bought them to this exact moment. To do this, is never an easy task; which is why so many people would rather blame others. So, for this post I decided to take a look in the mirror and consider some of the reasons why I am single.
Let the record state that I chose to end my last relationship three relationships. For various reasons I was very unhappy and I came to the conclusion that I’d rather be happy alone than unhappy in a relationship.
So, why am I single? I’ll start with the most obvious reason. I believe most men and women can agree with this reason as well. The number one reason I am single is because I am very picky. I can sleep with an asshole that I have no intention of settling down with because the sex is good. But, when it comes to matters of the heart and long lasting love the minimum I am willing to live with is my 75/15/10 rule.
My 75/15/10 rule is; 75%- happy, 15%- dissatisfied, and 10%- disappointed. I include disappointment in this rule because it’s just realistic. To find a partner that will contribute to your happiness 100% of the time is, for most relationships, not possible. Sure, there are those lucky couples that seems to have lucked out but most of us will be forced to settle. We all have the ideal partner in mind, or in the very least what we are willing to live with; but as that biological clocks starts to wind down and all the people around us start to pair off we cant help but feel alone. All the traits we once rejected, as we feel more and more lonely, we begging to rationalize them for the sake of not being alone.
For most of my dating life I went from relationship to relationship with very little time being single in between. So, when I finally made the decision to end my last relationship I figured it wouldn’t be too long before I was in another relationship. I told myself I was going to take some time and date around until I found a partner that I really, really liked. I was tired of jumping into the title of girlfriend without the emotional connection and or all the perks of being a girlfriend. I got tired of rationalizing my ex’s mediocre courtship and lack of communication skills; I didn’t want to go through that again. I decided to enjoy my life until I met a man that fulfilled the desires I knew I couldn’t live without. So I broke down my list into 2 different sections Negotiable & Non-negotiable
MY NON-NEGOTIABLE LIST
• Communication skills
• Has a career (or good job, with the possibility of upward mobility)
• Romantic (cuddling, courting and going on dates, occasional flowers on romantic events/holidays)
• Good teeth (no rotting- it says a lot about you if your clothes are fly and your teeth are jacked up)
• Decent skin (that’s hereditary- and I don’t want my child subjected to extreme bad acne)
• Nice sized penis (no gherkins)
• Great in bed (stamina and oral skills are a must)
• No Kids (I tried on multiple occasions to date men with kids, and it just isn’t for me. I’m too selfish and that is a reality I have to live with.)
• No Cigarette smoking
• No Drugs (weed only occasion)
• No excessive drinking
• No criminal record
Majority of my points were established and completely ignored in my past relationships. I dated men with kids, men with criminal records, and men with horrible communication skills and they all failed, miserably. After the last one, I made them all non-negotiable. The below list, I’m not so rigid on because they can be worked on and/or learned.
• In good/decent health (Reason: I work out a lot (4-5 days a week) and run marathons; I don’t want a partner that will make my desires to get fit a burden in the relationship.)
• Loves good food (I’m in no way the healthiest eater, but I try to eat healthy and I do eat well. If we go on a date and you comment that Starbucks is expensive, the date is done. I work hard and I want I choose to enjoy the fruits of my labor. If a man can’t afford to buy my coffee that’s an immediate indicator that this will not end well.)
• Knows what good food is (I’m by no means a chef but I like to eat well and explore different cuisines. I can’t date a man that lives on fast food; especially since I’m the kind of girl that will pick up on her partner’s bad habits.)
So, after my last relationship I was armed and ready with my list. I took a few months to focus on my goals (running the marathon, starting my novel, and getting healthy) then I dived in to the dating scene. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, I knew I would have to kiss a lot of frogs before I found my prince, but I was ready for the discovery of love. I re-vamped my online dating profiles, downloaded every dating app possible, and got on Nexplanon (a 3-year birth control). My hope was after 3 years I would, in the very least be in a solid relationship. Fast forward to 3 years and 7 months I have a blog about how difficult online dating has become. So I decided to take a look in the mirror.
REASON 1: I can honestly say that, over the years I’ve realized that I am not your cookie-cutter average girl. I have a very unique look that some men just don’t appreciate. I’m a curvy, bold glasses wearing, wild haired, emo-black-girl with an overall sexual look. My body is both my gift and my curse. My curves often get me boxed in the sex zone for some; and I’m considered fat to those that prefer a more slender woman. The men that appreciate my emo-ness only want me for sex and the other men won’t take me seriously.
REASON 2: I’ve also gotten very comfortable being single and I am also an avid planner. I always have a scheduled workout, a race, or plans with family and/or friends. I refuse to be one of those girls that drop all of her plans for a potential date; I’ve done that in the past and it only left me feeling less than. Especially after I maneuvered my plans only to be cancelled on or to have a horrible date. The problem I’ve found with the men that choose to reach out to me; they expect me to drop all of my plans and that is something I am just unwilling to do. If I had a dollar for every time a man wanted to go on a date, (asking me the day before and/or of) on the eve of a race, I would have a lot of money.
REASON 3: I can be a snob. I don’t need the most attractive man; because In all honestly I prefer them 5-8 on the attraction scale. A man that’s an attractive 9-10 is only going to attract more other chicks and I’m not about to fight for a man.
REASON 4: You wouldn’t buy a car before you test drive it- would you? Well, that is my sentiment exactly. I refuse to date a man for months and months, allow my emotions to swell and after sleeping with him only to be disappointed when we have sex. I know that I would swiftly end the relationship with a great man if the sex was not up to my liking. But the irony is that I don’t like to be sex-zoned before the first date. Bad sex is a deal-breaker but it is not my only goal; its just very important to me.
So the above, are just a few of the reasons I’ve concluded why I am single. The sad part is; as I get older, and the years tick by, the possibility of me finding a man that can meet my list is less and less likely. I now realize that in another few years I’ll have to readjust my list. I never thought my list and expectations were that difficult but clearly it is. I’ll continue to be optimistic that I’ll meet the man of my dreams. Please continue to wish me luck.