The Ex Files_Part 3: Master of Illusion

X-FILES_ILLUSIONIST HEADER_PT3-01

Girlfriend (as defined by Merriam-Webster.com): A female friend/ A frequent or regular female companion in a romantic or sexual relationship. 

Girlfriend (as defined by Urbandictionary.com): A female who you love, admire, respect, and desire to be with; a girl who makes you laugh, smile and realize what true happiness is; your perfect match; a girl who goes from best friend, to teammate, to partner in crime all in one day; a woman who brings out the best in you; your favorite lady.  

When he called me his “girlfriend” I was overjoyed, ecstatic, and most of all, scared out of my mind. I didn’t want to mess things up. I had finally gotten what I wanted- a man that had his shit together; an education, a good job, his own place, and a car. He also had a record of long-lasting relationships, one of five years, and another of seven. I was sure that if I played my cards right, we would eventually get there too. My longest relationship, up to this point had only been a little over a year. I was tired of starting over and over again so I decided to shut my mouth and be a good woman for him. 

Our first date back from my vacation he picked me up from the train station and we went to the movie theatre at the mall. It was the end of July or early August, and they were playing movies in the courtyard. We had time to kill before our movie started so we stood there for a while. We exchanged many kisses as he held me in his arms- it was all very romantic. I had told him all that I did in Vegas; the food I ate, the rides, the shows we saw. I mentioned I saw a Motown revue show. The Motown show was actually playing on Broadway at the time so he asked if I wanted to go- to which I said yes. He said that he would get tickets; so, naturally I was happy. We saw our movie then got dinner after then went back to his place. We were off to a good start. The level of romance and affection had increased, and he suggested a nice date for us to go on; I was very pleased. If only the fantasy I was living in my mind was an actual reality; instead of an illusion. 

After I became his girlfriend, I tried to increase the amount of time we spent together. I wanted to see more of him so I started requesting back to backs (or two-a-days) as I called them. We would see each other two evenings in a row. One day we would go out the other we would often stay in. Some days I cooked other days we ordered in. These two-a-days, however, only ever happened on weekdays, never on weekends. The sex, by this time had become routine. We’d watch movies, eat, shower before bed then have sex. I would perform orally on him and he would sometimes do the same. One day I realized that the oral exchange was heavily imbalanced. I had sucked him off way more times than he had eaten me out. I talked about this with my friend and she suggested I bring it up to him in a sensual way, one night. I did bring the issue up buy my bedside manner was anything but sensual.  

I started by kissing his neck, then his chest, down his abdomen, all while speaking to him and asking if he liked it like this and like that. Right when I was about to take him into my mouth I stopped and asked him; “Do you like your kisses down low?” To which he replied “Yes.” I then said “Good! so do I.” I then laid down beside him. He was quite unhappy, to say the least. We got into an argument about what I did. I pointed out that I was the one constantly giving oral pleasure at an insanely imbalanced rate. I was tired of sucking his dick and not being pleased in return. (If you’ve read the previous post entitled, Who Are These Women; then, you know that intercourse alone does not get me off. I love penetration- but if I want to orgasm, I require oral.) His argument was- he did it when he wanted to, not just because I wanted it; and that, to me, was not ok. I made it very clear that I needed head to give head. For a moment he obliged and I happily did the same but that would only last for a little bit. 

October- We still had not gone to see the Motown show. I had reminded him about the tickets and he said he was waiting for his employees to return from their vacations to buy the tickets. I didn’t want to be a pest so I let his answer be. Besides, the show wasn’t leaving until January so there was still plenty of time.  

October happens to be my favorite month; this year it also happened to become my busiest. I had multiple breast cancer events to go to and numerous birthday parties. One evening, at home with my guy, he brought up the idea of going to 6 Flags for Fright Fest. I told him I’d love to go but I was only available for one weekend out of the entire month. He confirmed that he too was available that same weekend so we set the date to go. I was to pack my bag for the weekend, get to his house Friday night and we’d go on Saturday, and spend all day Sunday booed up together; finally a weekend with my guy. A few days later, while I was at work, he messaged me. We chatted for a little bit about the day and week, etc. He then informed me that he had purchased his ticket to go visit his son. I then asked him when he planned to leave. When he told me the dates, I had to do a few double takes.  

Ex: If we agreed (in person, face to face) to go to 6 Flags on the 15th of October; why would you choose to purchase your ticket on the 13th of October? Now, some of you are probably thinking; that not too bad he’ll be back in time for 6 Flags. Well that’s because you don’t know him. I already knew when he told me the date of his flight out that I wouldn’t see him until well into the 20s. When he would go and see his son, he always stayed for over a week. I knew that this would be another date that would never happen. 

The week he went to visit his son and I stayed home, watched horror movies, went out with friends, and worked out. I was prepared to have another conversation with him. I was, once again, getting tired of unfulfilled promises. The weekend he came back I was in a Zumba charity class for breast cancer. He calls me on the phone with the most nonchalant attitude. He asks me how my day is going and suggests we should have gone to 6 Flags today. At that moment I felt like I was taking crazy pills. Did he really just say that to me? I told him I had to go and hung up the phone. We saw each other on Halloween. My coworker was having a costume party, and as much as I would have liked to have gone with my guy, I knew that was not his scene. So, we got takeout and watched horror movies. I didn’t bring up the issue about 6 Flags- I didn’t have the energy to talk to a brick wall. Later that night; after we showered and, got into bed I fucked out all of my aggression. I held his head down with force as he ate me out and I rode him hard with unspoken anger. When he finally came there was no long romantic kiss. I got up, showered, climbed back into bed and turned away from him.

That night I grew furious. It had been 13 months I’d been seeing this man. A little over half way through I had become his girlfriend; but what did that mean? I definitely didn’t feel like a girlfriend; I was so trapped up in the illusion. I wish someone would have been there to snap me out of it, but I stayed in the daze for just a little while longer. 

Part 4 Next Week