I blamed YOU!

I met you on the heels of a breakup. You were my friend’s cousin. Your height was just right and your confidence was overflowing. When I got in the cab you didn’t stop hitting on me; your compliments coupled with my skin-tight dress and high-heels made me feel oh-so sexy. On the lowest level of Pacha I felt your body press against mine as we danced. On the dance floor you took my hand and placed it up against you dick; and, in that moment I knew I was going home with you. 

We almost had sex in the alley way; my leg was wrapped around your waist; our tongues were down each other’s throats and my pussy, it was soaking wet. I would’ve bent over right then but then our cab arrived. That night when we got to your house, I removed my shoes as not to wake your family. Once we entered the room you fucked me for two hours. I had never felt so raw, pained, and pleasured all at once. It was amazing and I wanted it all the time.  

We saw each other every weekend, like clockwork. We were together through 3 different birth controls, I let you fuck me while I was braiding your cousin’s hair. You also were the first to put it in my ass. You laid me on your couch, you prepared me just right; one finger then another. We took it into the shower and then we ended back on the bed- in bliss. I met your friends and we all hung out together. They, for sure, thought we were a couple; until one day I came by and saw condoms, which, by that time, we were no longer using. I asked you about them and you were honest. In all actuality there was nothing to hide, since we never discussed exclusivity. I was just shocked- I mean I would fuck you from sun up to sun down, Friday-Sunday, if you wanted more all you had to do was say so; you didn’t have to find someone else. In the end you told me nothing happened and I believed you; but something had changed. I started to want more. We had been fucking for almost 7 months now. I wondered, would you ever want to be in a relationship with me. I got tired of wondering and waiting- so, I asked you. The answer you gave me was bullshit but I had no choice but to accept it.  

We stopped contact for a few months but eventually I let you weasel your way back into my life. You called me one night and told me you were in front of my building. My mind and my heart were telling me “no” but my pussy was had already unlocked the door and was pushing the elevator button. In the car you apologized and told me you still cared about me; music to my ears. We were on the highway doing 75mph on I-85 when I took you into my mouth and possibly gave you my best head ever- GOLD STAR FOR ME! When we got to your place my denim short were off. You sat on the couch and I rode you cowgirl style until I felt you release in me. With your dick going limp inside of me, you then told me that you had to tell me something. That something was that you had a girlfriend. I slowly got up, allowed your juices to flow down my leg as I walked to the bathroom to clean up; I didn’t look in the mirror. 

In a time before Ubers and unwilling to pay for my cab back to Manhattan from Yonkers I laid down in the bed next to you. My body was numb, and all I could see was red. If I wasn’t afraid to go to jail, I would have murdered you in your sleep. You slept like a baby as I hovered over you like a vulture ready to pick at you dead flesh. I woke up exhausted, you dropped me off at the train (I didn’t want to be in your presence any longer than necessary) and I told you to forget you ever met me. I told myself on the train that I was going to stop dating for a while, and I did. Three months later I met will and six months after that I was diagnosed with genital herpes.  

Every action receives an equal and opposite reaction. So, the reaction to you breaking my heart pushed me into the arms of another man; and that man gave me herpes. I blamed you. Had you just given me a chance to be your girlfriend when I asked you months ago- I wouldn’t have met Will. Had you not called me that summer night- I wouldn’t have met Will. Had you told me you had a girlfriend before I sucked your dick on I-85 and we fucked; I would’ve wished you all the best- and, I wouldn’t have met Will. 

You see- it was all your fault. Your actions (or lack of) caused the ripple effect that forever changed my life. When you came back into my life, just over a year later, I still blamed you. When you apologized to me, I forgave you again and it was just like old times. Every weekend I was at your place, I would go with you on your work routes, and it was just like old times, only with a touch of herpes. One day I asked you, why did you choose her. And true to your fashion, you gave me an honest answer. You told me that you wanted to fuck because she had a big ass, but she wouldn’t let you unless you made her your girlfriend. Oh- so that’s how it’s done! You told me that she was there for you in ways that I was not. However, you completely ignored the fact that you didn’t allow me to be there for you in that way. All the dinners with your family, the birthday parties, the hanging out and partying with you and your friends meant absolutely nothing. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t continue allowing you to emotionally fuck the shit out of me. It was good but I had to walk away.  

I eventually told you that I had herpes and you told me you would go get checked out; you did and you were fine. So, even though you had been careless with my heart, my reaction was not to be careless with your health. I still cared for your well-being, so I did what I could to keep you safe. I made sure I didn’t see you during my outbreaks, I gave myself a generous waiting period before I would see you again, and I took my meds; and it all worked out. We stopped seeing each other though. I couldn’t bring myself to contact you again; too much had happened and there would be no fixing it. We remained anti-social social media friends; every once in a while, you would like a picture or a video I posted on Instagram and in reaction I would like one of yours.  

On New Year’s Day I got a call from an unknown number, I wasn’t going to answer since it was probably a ro-bo call. I was 5 sangrias in so I picked up the call, and it was you. My ears didn’t recognize your voice but my body immediately started to tingle. All of a sudden, the sensations came flooding back; the entrance, the panting, the grinding, the kissing, the nibbling. The conversation was light and innocent but the images in my mind were not. At the end of the call, we wished each other well and hung up. My immediate thought in reaction to your call, was to go to the bathroom and help myself to an orgasm but, I did not; I simply ordered my 6th sangria; I blamed you for that too. 

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