Category Archives: HERPES

Dating was never easy. So, even after I was diagnosed with genital herpes, I didn’t let it stop me.

THINGS UNSAID: Following up on Herpes, after the Whoreible_Decisions Podcast

There were so many things left unsaid. I’m lucky I have platform to break things down further. (IT’S A LONG ONE)

I’ve lived in New York my entire life; and while I know well the streets of Manhattan; if you drop me in the Wall Street area, I’m likely to ask a tourist for directions. Downtown Manhattan has no logic; there are no numbers, just street and avenue names, and unlike the rest of Manhattan, that’s a grid format, downtown is a series of awkwardly shaped triangles and irregular squares. 

After wandering for 10 minutes, I finally arrived at the right place. Once in the room, their banter was a mental shoulder massage, that calmed my nerves for the recording. MandIi noticed my notes and said; “Bitch, you got notes!”. Yes!– I came prepared with 8 pages of notes, armed and ready to dismantle the stigma that is herpes; I was ready to lay some facts on the world. That’s when she told me that she didn’t want to focus on the data of herpes, but more on how I lived my life and dated casually, while being herpes positive… There went all of my notes! 

Overall, I got great feedback and my words, and hearing my story, it helped a lot of people feel better about their status. So, even though I’ve discussed herpes on many posts during the life in my blog; I want to take this post to dive into breaking it down further. (Be Prepared… It’s a long one) 

WHAT IS HERPES, REALLY? 

First of all, herpes is NOT a skin condition. I know that many of us positives like to label it as such, to make it sound less scary to a potential partner, but that’s not the reality. A huge part in breaking the stigma is being honest; and if we’re being 100% honest; herpes is a viral infection of the nervous system, that is transmitted via skin to skin contact. There are two most common type of herpes is HSV1 (most often in the form of cold sores, with a rise in genital diagnoses), the next is HSV2 (most often genital herpes). 

THE MAIN TYPES OF HERPES (HSV1 & HSV2) 

First of all, it’s important to note that; the type of herpes is NOT exclusive to the location. A person can have HSV1 on any area of the body: face, cheeks, lips, and the genital region (anything below the belt). HSV2, although most commonly in the genital region, can in rare cases be present on the face, cheeks, or lips. It all rally depends on the individual’s immune system and where the virus was introduced to them.  

So, let’s break down oral herpes. We’ve all seen young kids and adults with cold sores or fever blisters, well those were/are herpes. Most children acquire the virus from a relative. If you ever got a kiss on the cheek, or if your parents ever kissed you as a child; if they had the herpes virus in their system (aka a history of cold sores), they may or may not have exposed you to the virus. It’s interesting to consider that an innocent kiss, a human act of affection can forever impact a person’s life. But none the less, we are humans, we kiss, and sometimes when we kiss, we transmit herpes.  

Genital herpes, on the other hand is solely, sexually transmitted. Before I go and break this one down, I want to take a moment to give a little quasi-history lesson. Herpes (in various forms) has been around since the beginning of time; but let’s jump to why there is a stigma with genital herpes in the first place. The reason is… SEX! For decades, a genital herpes diagnosis indicated that you were either, having sex before marriage or cheating on your partner. Unfortunately, as casual sex started to become more prevalent during the sexual revolution, the stigma on what it meant to have herpes still remained and began to multiply. For those determined to police the sexually free; degradation and fear tactics became the norm. Fast forward to today, and you have a stigma with enough weight to pound a Buick into a box the size of my palm. 

Our bodies are covered head to toe with nerves. These nerves are responsible sending notes to our brain to be processed. If a person hits us, we feel it and our brain processes it as either pleasure or pain. So, regardless of where you stand on religion, politics, or sexuality; that is a fact that you can’t deny. The desire to feel pleasure, give pleasure, and receive pleasure; is, at it’s very core- human. As humans, we feel, we cry, we kiss, and we have sex. All of these biological actions are what makes us human, and sometimes, when we are being human, we make choices; and those choices may result in us acquiring herpes. Sure, if given the choice no person would CHOOSE herpes; but once we have it, we shouldn’t feel ashamed about it; because we got it being human. You wouldn’t feel ashamed if you got a cold right? So, I look at it the same way.  

FALSE INFORMATION 

  • When you ask to be tested for everything, that test, most often does not include herpes.  

HSV (1 or 2) are not included on most STD tests; which means, a significant percent of people with the herpes virus have no idea. This same percentage of people are able to transmit the virus, even though they have no symptoms. It should go without saying (but I will say it anyway). The virus can be transmitted with no outbreak present, this is called viral shedding (when the virus is present on the skin, but with no symptoms). Condom usage, a healthy diet, and incorporating antivirals minimizes the risk of transmission by a great degree, but there is no 100% guarantee. 

  • You don’t have herpes, because you’ve never had an outbreak. (Outbreak = positive, No outbreak = negative… WRONG!!!) 

Herpes does not always manifest itself in the way we assume it would. If you had a sex-ed class, you probably, saw images of blisters. Even though this is the most common manifestation of the virus; depending on the person’s immune system their initial outbreak can appear in a variety of ways. I’ve heard stories of it looking like a scratch, like raised skin from an insect bite, a small rash, and even a single bump. There are also those that never have an outbreak, but they may get a cold or have flu-like symptom; (9 times out of 10, you wouldn’t attribute a case of the sniffles to herpes) so, you wouldn’t go and get tested. But that may be an indicator that your body is taking a hit.

  • Cold sores are not herpes, so I don’t have to disclose. 

People with cold sores or fever blisters (or any other fancy name) you choose to call your reactions; just know that they are, in fact, HERPES. Many people will say, “well, it’s not the same”, but if you look at HSV1 & HSV2 from a medical standpoint: they are both life-long viral infections, and they both can be transmitted, during shedding (no outbreak) and/or an outbreak. This is a horrible example; but If I had to break down the DNA of HSV1 vs HSV2. Look at your hand (all 5 fingers & palm) as HSV1, then consider your hand and add in the wrist, that’s HSV2. I won’t sit here and say that, if you have a history of cold sores, you should tell every potential partner. Honestly, the decision to disclose (with oral or genital herpes) is a personal decision; especially since the CDC doesn’t require testing and many doctors don’t advocate disclosing. But consider this; if you don’t mention that you get cold sores to your partner, and you perform oral sex on them and by accident, you transmit the virus to their genitals; consider what does that mean for their sexual future. Hence why people advocate for disclosing.

  • THE STIGMA OF HERPES 

The most difficult part of this virus is, in fact, the stigma. People assume we are walking blisters; in pain everyday all day, and that we are always living with outbreaks. They assume that they will know what a person with herpes looks like and they assume that a person with herpes must’ve had an entire host of partners, and that’s how they got their virus. When the reality is: most people never have symptoms; and overtime (as your body adjusts to the virus) those that do have actual outbreaks; the outbreaks, become less frequent less painful. And the biggest myth of them all is the whore-herpes-false narrative. I know plenty of people that contracted this virus with their first partner, from cheating spouses, and casual sex. There are plenty of people with hundreds of partners and don’t have herpes and there are people with only one partner that has the virus. You won’t know until you ask and get tested.  

  • FACT: THE FIRST YEAR IS POSSIBLY THE WORST 

Studies indicate that you are most contagious during the first year of exposure to the virus (if you have an initial outbreak). A newly diagnosed individual may, after their first outbreak, experience recurrences, and may also be shedding the virus as the body has not fully begun to build HSV antibodies. On the opposite end a person may acquire the virus and never have symptoms, they too, during this period are most contagions due to viral shedding. 

  • SO MANY UNKNOWNS 

Because we are human, above all things, we need control and answers. We need to know that 1+1=2; because the idea of the unknown is scary; then, herpes happens. We’re taught that if we are careful and have ‘safe-sex’ we will be alright; then herpes comes along and throws that idea out the fucking window. The reality is that, herpes doesn’t care who you are, what you are or how you identify. It doesn’t care about your race, your income, or your profession. It doesn’t care if you go to church or if you’re having sex in back alleys. Herpes doesn’t think, it just does what it wants. And at the end of the day, it wants to travel and replicate and it, unfortunately, uses us humans as the means for that connection from point A to point B. 

STARTING OVER AFTER HERPES 

So, your results come back, positive for herpes, now what? If you go to a GYN or regular doctor, you’ll find pamphlets and support groups for alcoholism, drug abuse, cancer, and HIV; but you’ll rearely find any for herpes. In school (again, assuming you received sex-ed), all they told you about herpes, at best, were ways to avoid getting it and that it was incurable. Everything is before; they never educate you on the after. Often times, when you’re told that you’re HSV positive, the doctor writes you a prescription for antivirals and sends you on your way. It’s a sad reality that there is little to no support (from the medical community) in combination with the stigma. 

The stigma and shame of sexuality, has told us that being diagnosed with herpes, is our penance for being loose, promiscuous, or too sexual; and because of that, we now have to live in silence. The stigma tells us that we are dirty and unworthy of finding true love; and if you do happen to meet a person willing to accept you, you had better shut your mouth and be happy. The stigma tells us that it’s our fault and that we now have to walk around with a scarlet “H” burning a hole in our hearts. The stigma, that fucking stigma needs to take multiple seats.  

We are not dirty! We deserve love and respect! And, we deserve to be happy!  

If you are struggling with your diagnosis, there are support groups on Facebook and Reddit. There are advocates working to dismantle the stigma of herpes and spread the truth. It helps to have friends or family you can talk to about what you’re going through; you shouldn’t have to do this alone.  

If you are a human being, that has sex (whether it’s with one partner for 500) herpes is inevitable. 9 times out of 10 you either know someone with the virus, already had sex with someone with the virus, or will have sex with someone with the virus in the future. That’s just the reality of the virus.  

How you choose to live your life, whether negative or positive is totally up to you. All I hope is that, after you’ve read this post is the following: 

1- If you’re already living with herpes, you know that you don’t have to go through it alone.  There are various platforms on the internet that you can seek out and join to have a piece of mind.  Confide in family and friends and never be afraid to live your truth. I know the fear of being “outed” can be terrifying. But there reality is, once it’s out there- no one can tell your story.

2-If you’re herpes negative, and want to remain that way, instead of assuming your partner is STD(I) negative, you both go and get tested together. It’s better to know than to assume.  

3-If you’re herpes negative and you encounter a person that’s herpes positive; understand the courage that it took for them to be honest, and think back to this post. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to pursue a person with herpes, but remember that they are still HUMAN. Thank them for telling you and respectfully decline. DO NOT shame them or call them names, as they are already dealing with enough.  

If you feel like I’ve missed something, or you have any questions; my email is up and running, so don’t hesitate to reach out to me.

WHO I AM.

Being diagnosed with herpes, while on my road to peace; I forced myself to define (for me and only me) Who I am.

I am Carolyn. I am a black woman, of African American descent. I am 32 years old and my zodiac sign is a Gemini. I am an athlete: I exercise regularly, I run marathons, and I’ll be doing my first triathlon next month. I am an artist: I sing, dance, design, sew, I paint, and do computer graphics. I am a daughter, sister, niece, cousin, aunt, sister-in-law, etc. I am a great worker, listener, advice giver, and fantastic friend. I am a foodie and I am a person that enjoys delicious cocktails. I am friendly, bubbly, sarcastic at times, serious and/or uplifting when I know that it’s necessary. I am a critical and tactical thinker, and I am an avid planner. I am a free-spirit; that loves positive good energy. I am a lover of consensual love (in any form). I am sex positive, body positive, non-monogamous, polyamorous, and bi-sexual human being. Oh! I also have herpes.  

You see that? I have herpes, but it is not who I am. 

Anyone who knows me, knows all the above; and until I decided to go public with my status, very few people knew that I had herpes. But, if they were asked to describe me, you’d get a mix of: she’s funny, she’s friendly, she’s bubbly, she’s a freak, and she likes to party. Never would you hear, “Carolyn is herpes”. 

For a long time, I was afraid to speak out about my status, for fear of what people would think and, of course, the dreaded STIGMA. The stigma that says ‘only people like this get herpes, or no one will want you if you have herpes, or people with herpes should just crawl under a rock and die’- yes there are people who say such thingsFor the most part; I always understood that herpes is something that I have; it is NOT who I am. However, it took me a few years to finally believe that to be true and to live in that reality.  

So, I write this post, with the hopes that it will reach the people that need it most. For those battling with self-love after their diagnosis, for those that feel ‘dirty’ or worthless, and for those that feel they will never find love or have casual sex again. I write this to tell you that: you are not dirty, you are still worthy of love, you will find love, and with the right person you may even find good casual sex again. The trick is, to do the self-work! 

When I was younger, I used to cut myself. Never deep, never a lot of blood, and never to kill myself; I only cut to feel and have control. I started having sex at 14, and at that age my mind didn’t process, what we now call, fuck-boy behavior. You know, when men tell you what you want to hear just to get the pussy. At that age, my mind thought that, if he’s having sex with me- he must really like me (silly rabbit!). Anyway, after countless lust-filled heartbreaks I yearned to have some control. I found that control in the form of cutting. When my mother read my diary and found out, she thought I was cutting school; (since black kids don’t cut their body). When she found out the truth, she did what she had to do; and put me in counseling. For this act (in addition to giving me life) I am forever grateful. My counselor (Ms. Antoinette Rodriguez) was a much-needed saving grace. She helped me from 14 all the way through high-school. She helped me navigate my feelings and establish my self-worth. She encouraged me to be the artist and positive spirit I was born to be. She helped me to know that other peoples’ opinions of me didn’t define me. She helped me to find and love me. After I left the program I would stop by and visit her. Then, one day, due to budget cuts the program was closed. I was sad but very pleased with what she had done for me.  

Fast forward a few years and toss in a herpes diagnosis, and a string of failed monogamous relationships, and I became a lost soul again. I didn’t go all the way back to square one, but I did question and doubt my identity. After my diagnosis; I was this girl who loved sex and was fantastic at it- now, who was I? Would anyone ever want me again? Who’s going to want a girl with herpes? Would I end up alone?  

Too scared to go out into the world I sat on the sidelines. I kept my diagnosis quiet until I got serious and then I would tell my partners, and to my surprise, they all stayed with me. The only problem with that was, Me.  

For all the boyfriends I had, post herpes, I was never fully happy. I always wanted something more; but, because of herpes and the fear of being alone, I stayed. This mentality though, isn’t just a herpes thing. Think of how many people stay in abusive relationships, or keep taking back cheaters, or stay for financial security. Staying for comfort isn’t uncommon; but leaving for peace of mind is necessary.  

It was after my billionth crying series with my (X-Files series) Fuck-boy of an ex where I finally said. “I refuse to be in a bad relationship & have herpes”. Since I can’t get rid of herpes, I had to get rid of the guy. 

The first step was to separate my sex from my identity. I was always this amazing human with great energy, but my fear of rejection caused me to be less than amazing. The next step was to take the time to complete me. You know the people that hop from relationship to relationship because they feel incomplete when single- we all do. I had to take the time to find the things that make me happy and whole, regardless if a man was in my life or not. That’s where exercise, marathons, and writing came in. I connected back with the people that I know would always be there for me; my family and friends. Once I became my 100% I only wanted to surround myself with people that would fill my cup over; not take from me to make them whole. I reconnected with my sexuality. I love sex, I always have loved sex. However, this time around, sex was a bonus not the grand prize. The grand prize is me: my energy, my advice, and my friendship.  

Lastly, I took the moment to reclaim my sex-positive space. With this abundance of love and positive energy flowing through me and believing that monogamy may not be for me; I decided to dip my toe in the world of polyamory and non-monogamy. In doing so, I’ve been making the best connections, getting the best advice, honestly communicating with everyone in my life and, of course, having some of the best sex I’ve had in years. There’s a connection with my partners (sexual and non-sexual) that was missing before. Living in polyamory, I’m taking the time to build foundations that were often skipped over before. The openness in communicating and the ability to express my desires, with no fear of being judged is also very refreshing. 

Sure, from time to time, there are some rejections (which is fine). I know that not everyone will want to take the risk, but having those moments to educate potential partners/friends/acquaintances on how to remain herpes free, after they are no longer romantically interested in me, still feels good. I am aware that when I disclose and they are no longer interested, it only means they are declining herpes and not me; because, herpes is only what I have. It is not, who I am. 

TABOOTY PART 1

Now that I’m finally having some of the best and most exciting sex in my life; I’m exploring more and more new avenues of pleasure. If it wasn’t already clear, I’ve returned back to online dating. This time around though, I’m in the process of getting to know some amazing people. 

My current partner; we connected via Tinder. Our first date we talked a lot about the complexities of dating, some of the hits and misses we’ve had, and herpes (since this was on my Tinder profile). The conversation was easy and playful; to be honest it was quite refreshing to talk about herpes so casually with someone, especially considering it was a first date. Before our second date we were already exchanging sexy pics and naughty texts. He didn’t deliver the predictable sex messages and he didn’t say all the things he would do. He gave me compliments, which was quite nice. For our second date we wanted a place that was more intimate, yet still casual. We each tried to scour the internet to find a bar/lounge that would fit the bill, but nothing caught our eyes. We ended up going to a Mexican restaurant in Hell’s Kitchen and having dinner. After dinner, we wanted a little more privacy, so he bought a bottle of wine, and we headed to his place.  

His apartment was very nice for a bachelor but the 4-floor walk-up let me annoyed, as I despise stairs. I quickly went to the bathroom to freshen up, as it was almost certain that the night would end with sex. When I came back, we had some wine and he put on, of course- Netflix. Not long after Sex Education started, we started kissing and clothes were taken off. He was passionate and deliberate in his movements and my body reacted accordingly. His lips were soft and moist as they trailed my neck and collar-bone down to my breasts. He delivered equal attention to each nipple, until they were both wet and hard. He kissed down my navel and my body flickered as his tongue greeted my vagina. His tongue did wonders on my opening as I moaned loudly and writhed with pleasure. Then, his tongue went further; immediately a million thoughts ran through my mind… What’s he doing? What did I eat earlier? Did I use baby wipes? Please don’t fart. While he was devouring and fingering my ass hole I was worried like hell. I know an ass hole is an exit, so he can’t expect it to be 100% clean, Right? In the past I’ve had fingers in my ass while my partner fucked me from behind, I’ve even had partners bite my ass a few times. However, I’ve never had a person stick their tongue in it- What the fuck is this? But I sure as hell wasn’t going to stop him, because as weird as it was to experience- it felt SO DAMD GOOD! 

After he had his fill; he came up, wiped his face and kissed me deeply. I was surprised to discover it didn’t smell or taste like shit. Would you look at that? I had no intentions on returning that favor, but I was definitely eager to wrap my mouth around his dick and with much delight, I sucked, licked, and stroked, until my heart was content. When he pulled me off of him because he could wait no longer to be inside me; he got a condom, bent me over, and proceeded to fuck the shit out of me! The phrase “motion in the ocean” was made for partners like him. Each thrust felt like ecstasy, each slap made me more wet, and when he slipped his finger into my ass, I was completely and utterly done. I had cum harder with him, than I had cum in a very-very long time. We crashed on the couch, naked, sweaty, and breathing very heavy. We drank more wine, and went two more rounds, before we retired to the bedroom to finally sleep.  

That weekend, I went to The Pleasure Chest. It was obvious to me that he liked playing with my ass. As I was certain I would definitely be seeing him again, I wanted to be prepared for next time, if I could. I bought a butt-cleaning kit and as a bonus it came with a butt-plug- This might be fun!  

The next time I saw him it was right after my workout. Unfortunately, his evening ended earlier than expected; I was planning to go home first and do a proper cleaning, but he called my Uber right after class. When I arrived at his place, I sat down to unwind a bit and he gave my shoulders a tender rub. I don’t know if it was his hands or just my overall horniness; but I turned around, pulled his dick out from his pants and proceeded to suck him off. I took a moment to remove my shirt and bra because I knew exactly where I wanted him to release at. I returned back and continued to lick and suck until he was ready to explode. With that he kissed me deeply and we got undressed and went in the shower. 

Once we were both all clean, he put on, once again, Netflix. This time we actually watched an episode of Good Girls, while eating dinner. He made it clear that his refractory period was over and that he was ready to go again, and so was I. I started by kissing all down his body and sucking to get him ready. I was bent over on all fours with his dick deep in my mouth. He sat up to play with my ass, as I knew he would. He pulled me in to sit on his face; as I grinned down his fingers slipped into my ass; as if by clock-work I started to lose control. A few convulsions, then he turned me around, so we could 69. I tasted his pre-cum it was subtly sweet and I proceeded to work my magic. Pew!– A splash of saliva misted my ass and back as his fingers continued to fondle my tight hole. Flickers of his tongue, a loud moan from me, a suck and slurp sound. Pew!- Another mist; this one less shocking and more arousing. The mixture of his saliva cooled from the air touching my warm sweaty back was an entirely new sensation. What the entire fuck was I missing all my life?  

My clit couldn’t take anymore; I needed him inside of me. Condom on, he bent me over and slid in deep as my body began to quiver from the pleasure. He starts to explore my ass again- one finger, then two. I’m moaning louder as he pushes into both my holes. I turn around and whisper. “I’ve got a butt-plug, you want to try it?”  

PART 2 NEXT WEEK 

WORKING THE GARDEN

My 2018 ended on an extremely low note: I had not had sex since August, I was still unsuccessful at online dating, and I felt like I was reaching for blog content. Growing tired of the nonsense, on January 1st, at the stroke of midnight I deleted all my dating apps and I figured I’d take time to just be alone and reevaluate the direction of my blog. 

In January; after a year of carefully writing around the topic, I wrote my first story about my life and dating while having herpes. 

In February; I took another step down the sexually free runway; and I attended my first sex party. I re-downloaded Tinder and Hing, and I explored FetLife (this should be interesting!). This time, however, I decided to have a different approach. What if I stopped searching for a relationship and just enjoyed the art of dating? Sure- many times I’ve said “I’m not looking for anything and I’m just having fun”. Then, like clockwork, on date three, I would begin to wonder: What are we? Where is this going? Big wedding or small wedding? How many kids will we have? Apartment or house?  

This time around, I told myself to STOP! I told myself to not only smell the flowers New York Botanical Garden had to offer, but to enjoy the process of planting them too. The lilies, the tulips, the roses, the hydrangeas, the azaleas, and countless others. I told myself to find happiness in the sowing of the dirt, planting the seeds, the watering, and the sunlight. When a flower dies, that does not make its life lived any less significant. The death of the flower does not erase the joy you found in smelling and viewing it. Instead of waiting for the richest hue right before the decay. I made the decision to learn to enjoy the moments that were happening all around me, from the very beginning to the very end. I was excited to start this new journey. But first… I had to tell my mom.  

So, in March I told my mother that, not only, was I bisexual; but that I was also polyamorous, and non-monogamous. To which she rolled her eyes, gave me a lecture about sex and diseases. To which, I had to remind her that, I actually acquired herpes when I was in a relationship; so, her point was moot. 

For years I was determined to find the one that would deliver me from the endless hurdles of first dates and dry conversations. So, what’s your favorite color? What’s your favorite food? Blah blah! I hated talking to someone, and thinking it was going somewhere, all to find out that they were a total fuck-boy; but I kept on going. I believed that I would swipe right on the perfect guy, we would like each other, meet, fall in love, and live happily ever after. Fear of dating with herpes kept me on this self-inflicted-toxic-path for almost 4 years. I gave into the idea that people with herpes weren’t allowed date casually. If a guy hit on me at a party. I would flirt a little but eventually I would fade away. I couldn’t go around spreading my toxic vagina. I couldn’t have a casual one-night-stand. I had to dive all in and hope for the best. I didn’t have the right to be selective; because, people with herpes can’t be choosey. I had better be happy with whatever I could get! So, what! if he has no teeth, bad acne, not job, and a little wiener. He accepted your virus and now you’re together for life. 

Then I had an epiphany. I am not now, nor have I ever been toxic. I am human and I deserve to be happy. As long as I was honest and upfront about my status, I could do whatever the fuck I wanted. That not only meant starting a situation-ship, that also meant ending one as well. I stayed in many relationships long past their expiration date. If he accepted my herpes, I had to accept whatever shit he came with as well; I had to make it work, because no one else would want me. I had to learn that I deserved the same happiness that everyone else had. I deserve romance, great conversation, and to have fantastic sex whenever, however, and with however many partners my vagina and mouth could handle. As long as I told them up front, I was doing my part. So, I decided to try something different. 

Instead of writing a long drawn out profile, I kept it important to the fundamentals of what I was/am looking for, and I put it all on front street: polyamorous, non-monogamous, bisexual, and herpes positive.  

Non-monogamy, because I am not in a space of solo-commitment.  Polyamorous, because I actually require an emotional connection that precedes the desire to engage sexually (energies over sex). Bisexual, because I enjoy being with women as well; and of course, herpes positive because I’d rather not waste your time if it’s a non-negotiable for someone.  

Within a week, I had a Tinder date; we’ve been seeing each other for just over a month. The following week I met a man from Hinge, and we too have gone on a couple of dates. I’m finally in a place where I am enjoying the journey of dating with no clue on where the hell I’m going to end up. I’m sowing the dirt, I’m planting the seeds, and I’m watering the soil. I’m enjoying the butterflies, the flirting, the conversations, the kissing, and some great sex. I am rooted in my happiness at the moment and hope you’ll continue with me on this journey. 

CORSET. COLLAR. LINGERIE (Part 3-CONCLUSION)

Be sure to cherish you lingerie. Don’t let her go to waste, for she was made to be adored!

There is always something I find totally sexy about new lingerie; it always gives me an extra pep in my step knowing that underneath my t-shirt in jeans, there’s only a thin layer of sexy keeping me constrained. I’ve always adored the luxury lingerie of Bordelle and Agent Provocateur; however, with the goal to not put a huge dent in my credit card, I sauntered my sexy ass over to Victoria’s Secret.  

I walked in with a mission, (3 bras and 3 matching thongs). I walked in knowing exactly what I wanted and I refused to be convinced otherwise. The rabbit hole one could find themselves falling down when they went shopping without a mission, was a rabbit hole I did not want to journey. I headed upstairs straight for the sexy lingerie section and pulled out my size, a 36C. Then along came an attendant offering to give me a fitting. She pulled out her pretty pink tape, measures me and then says 36DD… WHAT THE HELL? I was in total shock; I knew my cups raneth over a little bit but an entire 2 cups, I didn’t see that coming in a long shot. I picked out a few bras and a thong for the party and headed to the dressing room. I tried on my new 36DD bras and, SURPRISE! They fucking fit. I was a pool of mixed emotions; on one hand I was happy to have bigger breasts, on the other hand I was worried about the bras that I could find that would fit my new DD breasts. I snapped a few pictures of me in the bras that I planned to buy, posted a pic on instagram and made my way back to work.  

On Sunday morning I woke up to BDE’s message (sexy guy from the sex club). I told him to pick me up at 1pm and I gave him my address. I showered, moisturized and put on my new Victoria’s Secret lingerie; the set was a lace bright pink, bra and thong, that popped against my chocolate skin. I went downstairs, got in his car and we were off. He explained to me that we were going to chill at his friend’s house, because his roommate had his child there (I smell bullshit!). I was under the impression that we would at least grab a bite to eat first, but he explained that he could order something if we got hungry so I didn’t stress it. When we arrive at his friend’s house in Astoria, I walked in and saw his friend there and I knew exactly what they had planned (ménage à trois, anyone?) I remembered seeing his friend arrive at the party with his girlfriend, whom I thought was hella sexy. 

Me and BDE sit down on the bed in the living room and his friend is playing some Jamaican rapper, extremely and unnecessarily loudly on YouTube. BDE pours me a drink and he comes to sit on the bed next to me. He starts to rub my back and feel at my ass and I have to stop him, because I haven’t delivered “THE TALK” yet. I explain to him that; before we go any further, he should know that I have herpes; and, being the honest-hoe that I am, I want to make him fully aware of what that could mean for him. He takes a moment and looks at me as if I was joking but when he realizes I’m telling the truth his posture stiffens up. Sensing his demeanor change, I explain to him my diagnosis, how it affects me, and how I still maintain a normal and (as healthy as can be) sex life. I tell him that, so far, I have been successful at keeping my partners herpes-negative, but there is always a risk. He steps away to talk to his friend for a moment, then returns. He asks me a few more questions; at this point I feel like things still might go down, until… 

BDE: “You know, I wasn’t expecting to heat that.” 

Me: “I know, no one does. But it’s something I have to tell people, just so they are aware.” 

BDE: “Yea. Thank you. We can still chill for a bit.” 

Me: “Ok” 

And that was the end of that. We watched a few more videos while his friend hopped in the shower; then he drove me back home.  

I must say, I don’t get declined very often (maybe 1-20) but it happens from time to time. However, this time, I’ll admit I was a bit bummed. I honestly thought, that because he’s in the swinger/poly/sex-club lifestyle he’d still be down. Especially considering the fact that; I mean- just because I’m honest, doesn’t mean everyone else is. Also, a part of me assumed that those in the lifestyle, would still be more accepting considering the variety of people in attendance (1 in every 5 people have some form of herpes); but he was not.  

To be honest, I wasn’t bummed because I didn’t get laid (which I’m certain would’ve been by not one but two stallions). I realized I was upset because I wasted a fresh new set of lingerie on: a ride to queens, some coconut rum and pineapple juice, and a bag of chips. My $70 bright pink lace set deserved more love than that. She deserved a nice cocktail in a fancy glass; she deserved at least an appetizer and dessert (I love desserts- lol). She deserved to be fondled, tugged, and moistened from my arousal; she deserved to be removed in a state of lust and thrown on the floor at the hands of someone that couldn’t wait to possess my body, and she deserved to have a front row seat at the sexual extravaganza. But she got none of that. I had let her down; and all that I could do to make it up to her was to have a few mimosas during brunch.  

I told myself I would do better next time. I would never put my lingerie through that again. 

CORSET. COLLAR. LINGERIE (Part 2)

I’ve always loved chokers. When they were a thing in the 90s I thought they were quite sexy. They had a resurgence a few years ago; but I decided to upgrade to a Collar.

COLLAR 

Last year when I decided to be more adventurous, I had joined a group on meetup. I was over meeting vanilla men on regular dating apps so I figured the men on an app for Swingers & Erotic Events, would be more up my alley. However, once I joined; the men that reached out to me dried up my juices quicker than the desert sun. Between the cornballs that were broke and just wanted to fuck and the grandpas looking for “a sweet young thang like me” YUCK! I removed myself from the group, with the quickness.  

A year later, riding the wave of my first successful sex party, I decided to rejoin the group and see what they had to offer. Through the app, I ended up speaking to a guy we’ll call “J”, and we agreed to meet up at the party. The event was promoted as BDSM, fetish, and kink. So, when I RSVPd, I expected a night of whips and chains, hot wax and bondage. I even went to Pleasure Chest and got a leather spiked collar for the occasion. The dress I made was similar to the first, but longer and the zipper was in the back. I learned my lesson from the first party to not wear full tights. So, over my lime green thong I donned garter style thigh-high fishnets, for easier access. 

I took an uber to the venue and I arrived a little after 9pm. I ascended the stairs and luckily for females, the price, when I arrived was free… ALL HAIL THE PUSSY! I checked my coat and went up the next flight of stairs to the main level. My dress was already a hit with the bouncers, as they told asked me to “walk slowly” up the stairs, which I happily and enticingly did. Entering the room, I immediately saw the NO CELL PHONES signs posted everywhere. I chatted it up with the bartender for a bit, as it was still quit early and only a handful of people were present. I stepped into the bathroom to snap a picture of my outfit where green lighting did wonders. The combination of my cleavage and collar looked fabulous. I returned to the main room; there was a random arrangement of couches, love-seats, and on the wall was outdated porn. Seeing to action going on, I sat on the sofa and watched the porn.  

I started a conversation with a female next to me on the sofa. She worked in hospitality, traveled often, and attended parties to be a voyeur. She had relationships with a DOM and was a SUB; and with certain men she would be DOM. A little into our conversation, a guy came and sat in between us. We later learned that he was from Italy, and he had attended other sex clubs in the city. So, I asked him how he ended up here and his response was, he was out and was bored- Ok, I guess? I picked his brain as to why on a Saturday night, he would choose to spend $140 to attend a sex club; especially since this one was looking to be a less than eventful; to which he really had no answer. We continued talking and watched the outdated porn. When the BDSM exhibition opened at 11:30pm, he went upstairs and the girl and I continued to talk. We talked a little more then, we decided to go upstairs and check out the show as well.  

Once upstairs we walked into the room where a man was getting whipped on an X-board and a female “DOM” was giving massage orders to her male subjects to rub her feet, and such. We watched the scene for a while then grew disinterested. We started conversations with male partygoers and when I lost interest, I went back downstairs. I had to remove my shoes to go down the stairs because they were, once again, narrow deathtraps. What was it with sex clubs and death-defying staircases? Once I got back to the main level I sat back down and watched some more porn. It was around 1pm when I called it quits. I went to the bathroom and saw that J had messaged me. I told him I was leaving and to meet me at Ampersand, because I was hungry. 

I retrieved my coat and walked outside; only to find it was raining. Ampersand was only a few blocks away but I was in 5” platform heels and the concept of walking in the rain was not a sexy scene, so I took an Uber 6 blocks. When I walked in a lady, who was beyond intoxicated, drowned me with compliments; and I happily accepted every last one of them. After the party being such a bore, I needed something, anything to pick me up. From my hair, to my glasses, my coat, and down to my shoes; she noticed and called out every detail of my ensemble. I sat down at the bar and took of my coat and I immediately felt like a high-priced escort. If a patron had approached me at the bar he might have went home with a sexy-chocolate surprise on his arm. I ordered a drink with the bartender while I waited for J to arrive.  

When J finally arrived, he looked nothing of what I expected; but he was still good looking. The conversation flowed like water on a river as we joked about the party. He had attended a few before in Connecticut and New Jersey; but this was his first in New York- huge let down! In conversation I disclosed to him that I had herpes and we talked about his sexual escapades over the years. By the time I was on by the third tequila cocktail on the list I was intoxicated and my hunger grew to starvation. We paid our respected bills, he walked me out, waited for my Uber to arrive, then kissed me on my cheek goodbye.  

I took an Uber to Cafeteria, because I knew they would be open and I was starved beyond logic; and I needed food in me with the quickness. But, of course, when I arrived at 3am, there was a line around the corner. Thank god for being a single female, I walked past the crowd, and was told I could sit at the bar; which is exactly what I did. I ordered my food, ate, and when I was finished, I took an Uber back home. I undressed, and passed out in bed. 

The next day J reached out to me and we talked some more. We exchanged Instagrams and we’ve been in contact since. He wants to “play” someday in the future and explore some things both he and I have been wanting to do sexually, and I’m totally looking forward to it. 

In the end, I guess the party wasn’t a total bust. I got a sexy collar for BDSM play, I have a new bar to add to my list, and I met a new potential partner. It was explained to me early on that, not every party was going to be a total sex scene, and I was ok with that.  

So, what! I didn’t get to explore that night; I had a date with BDE Sunday afternoon and I was certain he wouldn’t disappoint. 

PART 3 Lingerie (Next Week) 

CORSET. COLLAR. LINGERIE. (Part 1)

I can’t believe I’ve been doing this for over a year… HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO TALESOFTONEY.COM I wanted to give a Thank You to all my followers, and the people who read my blog. This post is my birthday present to you, for sticking with me. And, I hope you continue to follow me on this journey.

New Year! New Perspective! New Experiences!

CORSET Part 1 

I walked into club armed with my handmade “HERPES +” necklace and “HERPES WARRIOR” bracelet. I decided to make my dress for the occasion; it was black, short & tight. I purposefully installed a front 2-way (top or bottom) opening zipper, easier access, if the evening took a turn for the better. Underneath I wore a corset that snatched my breath and waist away and pushed by breast up to my eyeballs. I looked and felt like sex.  

I had entered the party with the hopes of getting frisky but considering my herpes positive status I didn’t want to be too presumptuous. The club was more like a lounge, so I sat down at the bar. I chatted with the bartender that was willing to answer any question I asked her (as she has been part of the lifestyle for over a decade, she was very friendly and informative). I took the opportunity of my extremely early arrival to take a look around. There were a few male stragglers (none of which I was attracted to) and a few females enjoying hookah. I ascended the death-trap stairs and entered the “NO CELL PHONE” zone. Upstairs there was porn on the walls, 3 private rooms, a couple’s room, a group room, and a 6-person shower (I imagined on a busy night, that would be an enticingly sexy scene). After I got the lay of the land, l went back downstairs- ecstatic I made it without twisting an ankle. (I could imagine drunken women tumbling down the stairs on a regular occasion; but luckily since no phones could be out, they would only be haunted in their memories. I returned to the bar, and continued to sip my tequila (BYOB) and pineapple as I continued to observe the entering crowd.  

Couples had started to arrive; some were dressed in casual attire, while others were dressed to play. Many men wore jeans and t-shirts; while, women donned lingerie, body suits, or like me- dresses that left little to the imagination. My first conversation was with an Indian man, who was in a very sour mood. He told me he had attended on Valentine’s Day, but because he got too drunk, he was banned from bringing alcohol in the future. He complained that couples and some party-goers were racist. This, I thought was interesting, considering the fact that I made my decision to attend this particular venue because I heard the patrons looked more like me. I didn’t want to feel like the last kid picked for the team so I wanted to go to a place where my body type would be idolized vs demonized. He was kind of draining my energy so I was happy when he snuck out to drink from the liquor he had in his car.  

The next man I spoke to, we’ll call him Latch, was much more positive. He was heavy into the life with his ex but was inactive for a while. He told me all about his life and I acted like I really cared. He inquired what made me want to come to a sex party and I told him. For years I was nervous to attend because of my herpes status but one day I said ‘fuck it!’, did a little research, emailed to a plethora of swinger and poly forums, and decided to RSVP. His response was the usual “You’re so brave” etc. And then came the questions; so how do you keep your partners safe and what about your past relationships, etc. I told him the same story I recite every time I plan to have sex with a new partner. I take my meds (Valtrex or Acyclovir), abstain during flare-ups and just remain hyper aware of my body. It was enough to put his concerns at ease, then he invited me upstairs.  

I felt his eyes locked on my ass as he walked behind me. I was thankful I had walked upstairs earlier, had I not this strut would’ve looked way less sexy. We entered the room with an MFM 3-sum going on. There were people around taking in the sights and I admired the view. When they ended up near me, her hand grabbed my breast and it was all over for me. I locked on her lips and started sucking her breasts then made my way down to her clit. She was delicious and kept moaning “you’re a goddess” in my ear. Hands were on my ass through my fishnet tights and I got so wet. I kissed Latch and we went to the other side of the room. He removed my boots and tights and I sat on his face and he made me cum. I returned the favor and another patron came to join, I flashed him my bracelet and he joined the party as well. After a few rounds we got thirsty then headed back downstairs.  

This is where he got the name Latch. Back downstairs he continued to tell me more about his life; his work, his kid, his ex, blah blah blah. I didn’t want to be a bitch; I mean after all he did just pop my sex-party-cherry but, did I have to stay with him the entire night? I got tired of hearing him speak so I suggested going back upstairs. In the same room there was the same 3-sum going on and 2 more couples (one in full action while the other the girlfriend looked a little timid). Latch and I found our corner spot again and had a round of oral. I wanted to eat some more so I approached the other couples. I asked the first one if I could suck her breast- she declined (which is always a possibility- and when it happens you MOVE ON! (NO MEANS NO!)). I asked the other girl getting pounded out and she pulled my head down (so- I guess that was a yes!) When I had my fill of that Latch took me to a private room. He ate me out two more times. We tried having sex but he couldn’t keep it up, so eventually we went back downstairs.  

Sitting at the bar and feeling satisfied with my orgasms accomplished I locked eyes with a guy that got me wet all over again. His BDE (Big Dick Energy) pulled me all the way in. But Latch, true to his name, didn’t leave my side. It was getting late, approaching 4am, and I was ready to go home. I escaped to the bathroom to regroup and, when I came out Latch had disappeared- GREAT! I made a bee-line straight for the door and called my Uber home (he had offered me a ride, but I was quite done with his company). As I was putting on my jacket BDE walked into the coat check area. It was obvious that he wanted me to stay and play but since my Uber was on the way and I didn’t want to ruin my rating or run into Latch again, I declined. We exchanged numbers and agreed to meet at a later date. 

Part 2 (COLLAR) Next week.