Category Archives: THE TROLLS

The internet has given people the comfort to be disrespectful behind the mask of a device. Most of the time I ignore them but, sometimes you simply have to Slay the Trolls!

POLYAMOROUS DOES NOT MEAN SEX ADDICT

Two weeks ago, I finally deactivated and deleted my remaining dating apps (Tinder & Hinge). I came to the conclusion that; with the writing of this blog, working on my memoir, trying to get into shape, being an advocate for herpes, and dating 3 men; I have no energy, nor desire, to meet anyone new. So, I decided to call it quits and to focus on further building the connections I already have established.  

Over the past few months, after claiming my polyamorous label; I have put a lot of time, energy, and emotions into maintaining my relationships. So, it rubs me the wrong way when people dismiss my identification and connections, and say “so you’re just fuckin’ people!”; because, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! There is so much more to it than that. 

When I decided to live this lifestyle, I was prepared to answer the many questions that the monogamous world would ask. The; “what does polyamory mean?” or “how can I be comfortable knowing someone I care about is with someone else?” The answer to those two questions often goes something like this… 

You love your mother, father, and siblings. When you start a family of your own you love your partner, your child, etc.; love just keeps on growing. LOVE NEVER RUNS OUT. Now, you may fall out of love with someone, but love cannot be measured as a chart that gets divided amongst your loved ones, because it’s forever replenishing. So, when I identify as polyamorous, that is my goal; but before love, comes like.  

The above questions are fine; especially growing up in a monogamy-aiming society, there are bound to be people that do not understand the idea of having multiple romantic loves.  

However, I wasn’t prepared to have to defend said lifestyle. Against A) those that choose to belittle the decisions that we make with statements like: “if he loves you, he won’t share you” OR B) “what about all the STDs out there?” First of all, I’m a woman, not a pie. What does love look like anyway? And, secondly, I’ve found that those in this non-traditional lifestyle often get tested far more frequently and are more open to talking about sexual health, than those that are extremely close-minded to this way of living/loving. (Not to mention; I got herpes from what I thought was a monogamous relationship). 

In addition to defending my lifestyle choices, I’m also fighting off the, what I like to call, lifestyle-nomads. Lifestyle-nomads: are those people that truly have no desire to build connections. They may be the ones trying it on for size, or latch to the label because, on paper, it mirrors what they’re doing, but it lacks the deeper foundation. Just because you want to fuck a bunch of people and you want a date or two before, that does not make you polyamorous; that makes you non-monogamous. Living towards a polyamorous love-style is the ability to like freely and honestly, with the goal for like to become love. The goal is to have long-lasting connections of the heart and spirit, regardless if there is sexual intimacy.  

Now, being the sex-positive woman that I am, (who is, in layman’s terms- single); I can, technically, have sex with as many men and women I want. But, that’s NOT what I want. I love the connections, conversations, butterflies, honesty, and vulnerability that dating, in a romantic capacity brings. I never did and I still don’t get those feelings with just sex. Outside the walls of a sex-club (where a nick-name and a condom are enough); emotional, spiritual, and intellectual stimulation are necessary for me to become repeatedly engaged. I have conversations with my partners, I go on dates with my partners I spend time with my partners, and in addition to them knowing about what I do when I am not with them, they all know of each other. There is an honesty and transparency I associate with being poly, that I didn’t associate, when I was dating prior.  My partners make me happy and put a smile on my face, and I can only assume I do the same for them. So, when someone absentmindedly dismisses them as just a phase or sexual object; ignoring the amorous (love) aspect from the title and only focuses on the poly (many); not only is it very unsettling, it’s also not true. 

The second thing I didn’t expect was encountering so many half-assers.  

As started prior, polyamory is not for those that just like a lot of sex. For those people that are always horny and just want to have sex with everything that walks; that is non-monogamy. Another major part of being truly polyamorous is arriving at that space of love, and finding joy watching your partner experience love with someone else, with no fear of their love diminishing your own. COMPERSION! 

This COMPERSION is the part that many people find most difficult. Many people are happy to be open/non-monogamous/swingers, but the idea of love being added to the relationship, many people don’t want to explore that reality.  

In addition to the lack of compersion, I encounter a lot of misogynistic imbalance as well, in the poly community. I do now, and always have felt that polyamory, non-monogamy, and open-relationships only work when both partners are willing participants. One partner cannot be allowed to play the field, while the other has to sit on the side lines. 

Ladies, if your man can be with another women; yet you can’t be with another man; then that relationship is imbalanced. Ladies (and men) if your partner won’t stop cheating; so, you turn a blind eye and claim non-monogamy; again, that relationship is imbalanced.  

The recipe for a successful alternative relationship is an even playing field, constant communication, and checking in; there are rules within the storm, and both/all parties have to agree and follow the rules. That does not mean, if he/she has 3 partners, I need 3 partners too- NO! My schedule may only allow me 1 partner in addition to my primary, and that’s totally fine; after all, it’s not a competition. Decide what it is you want and do what works within the confines of the union that you two have set up. 

The last thing that bugs me, is the oversexualization of the polyamorous and non-monogamous community.  

We are Sex Positive; NOT Sex Addicts. 

Sorry to burst your erotic bubble; but I DO NOT think about sex all day long. Now, there is nothing wrong with those that do; I’m just stating that’s not me. If there are 24 hours in a day, I may spend all of 5 minutes total with sex on my brain, and that’s not even every day. So, it’s literally a turn-off when every exchange is about sex. I’ve joined several group chats, claiming to be for the poly community; and it was a stream of titties, vaginas, penises, and sex positions; I left each one within a week. I’m too busy to think and talk about sex all day long. Especially when it’s with people that I may or may not ever have sex with.  

I love sex when I want it; that goes for type, and locations. I enjoy anal play and anal sex; that does not mean that every night I want my ass fucked. I enjoy going to sex parties and engaging with multiple partner; that does not mean I want to go to them every weekend. Lastly, I enjoy being with women; that does not mean I need to eat pussy every day. It’s important that people understand that about me and other sex-positive people. Just because we openly talk about sex, that does not mean it’s on our minds 24/7. After all… polyamorous does not mean sex-addict.  

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GO FUCK YOURSELF!

People often get extremely pissed off when someone says this. This phrase often follows an argument or an angry exchange of words; finally, when either person refuses to argue anymore, they yell “Go Fuck yourself!” 

Anybody that knows me, knows that even though I’m one of the sweetest people you may ever meet, I can also be the most sophisticated asshole. Years of therapy and soul searching has taught me that, people can be very fucked up. People can have insanely horrible days, and here I come with my smile, making a mockery of their misery. Their only option to protect them from feeling even more miserable about their life, in my presence; is to try and fuck with me.  

A lot of research says that sex is one of the most powerful transferences of energy; hence why you’re only supposed to have sex with people you like; I, Thank God! do not fall into this category. Maybe I have an invisible-sexual-emotional-shield, that allows me to have amazing sex with a person I can’t stand and walk away energized and ready to tackle the world. On the other hand, non-intimate interactions have the ability to turn this happy camper into a raging bitch, that can easily empty out my pockets, and throw away all the fucks I ever gave.  

I had an incident last month, on a bus with my friend (Hey Girl!). Some ass hole guy (Chinese), disrespectfully approached me about a seat on a bus; where there were more than enough empty seats around for him to select another; but because my feet were on the chair – he was determined to cause a scene. On top of his overly aggressive tone, he proceeded to disrespect my upbringing and education; when his original argument was about me “paying for one seat” (stick to one argument buddy!). Then back-up Billy decided to chime in and add more fuel to the fire. By this time the bus is getting crowded and we’re all arguing on the bus. China man wanted to flex his muscles and “call the cops” For what? Mind you, he spoke to me (when he didn’t have to). He proceeded to sit in my face and degrade me; now he felt it necessary to call his cop friend and have the bus stopped. His friend was unavailable, so nothing happened. But let’s play this out:  

Officer: What’s going on here 

Me: Well officer, this guy disrespectfully yelled at me to move my feet (which as you can see, I already did as he is seated directly in front of me) Not to mention, when there were 6 available seats all around that would’ve avoided the entire argument. After he sat down, he proceeded to degrade me, and then threaten me by calling you. So, in conclusion officer, this man intentionally instigated a problem and is threatening my safety, and is also disturbing the peace on this bus. I would like to have him removed from the bus so that I and the other passengers may ride in peace.  

But, Like I said though, his cop friend was *busy and nothing happened.  

Back-up Billy wouldn’t let shit rest, though. He kept making light of the situation, as if my feet on a seat on a NYC bus, warranted him to talk to me however he wanted. And then he did the ultimate. He said “I thought because he was Asian, he wasn’t going to stand up for himself” to which everyone who heard the argument called BULLSHIT to. Race was the last thing on my mind. I didn’t care who or what he was, I simply didn’t appreciate his tone (PERIOD).  

Eventually shit died down, the Chinese man gets off the bus and the rest of the ride is quiet. When back-up Billy gets off the bus he says “Have a good evening” (Mother-fucker! You know you ain’t genuine!) So, my response was “Have the night you deserve.” I must’ve struck a nerve because he made a comment that I couldn’t hear over the laughter of the other riders.  

I mention this story because, this altercation really fucked up my energy, for a few days. I thought about how I looked to those getting on the bus, that didn’t know he was the aggressor (Crazy Black Woman). I thought about how peaceful the ride would’ve been if he had just sat on the other seat or spoke to me in a non-aggressive tone. I thought about what would’ve happened if the officer was available and all he saw was a CBW (there goes my 0 run-in with the police). I even thought, if I didn’t have my feet on the chair. 

But what didn’t cross my mind until I got home was; what was so fucked during his day, or in his life that, that’s the kind of behavior you exhibit. What person, (that looked like me) hurt you so bad that you decided to fuck with me- of all people? Then it all made sense. He was holding onto some bad energy the way a runner holds a fart during a marathon. When he got on that bus, he couldn’t hold it any more. It wasn’t enough to release it either; he had to transfer it… and unfortunately- It worked. 

I worked so well that I didn’t even masturbate when I got home, because I couldn’t focus on pleasure with such heat in my veins. By the end of the week, thankfully, I was back to normal; orgasms at night, exercise, and laughs during the day.  

One afternoon, I happened to be walking down the street and I heard a woman arguing on the phone and she yelled “Go Fuck Yourself!” I couldn’t help but think my response would be “Later tonight!” Think about it. Next time someone tells you to go fuck yourself, instead of arguing say “Thank you, I will when I get home” OR “Thanks for reminding me”. It will either enrage them or make them laugh, but what it won’t do Is fuck up your energy.  

MIND YOUR OWN UTERUS!

In response to the recent bills passed against women’s rights in Alabama, (specifically abortion, for those that live under a rock); I’ve decided to share my stories and perspectives on the topic. As of lately, my fingers have been getting much exercise; arguing with those that are, not really, pro-life, but, really, anti-abortion.  

It still amazes me that people feel they have the right to say what a woman should and shouldn’t do with what’s going on in her body. It’s even more infuriating when you know that this law would still criminalize women that seek abortion if they are raped or if a pregnancy resulted from incest. Take it a step further; the state of Alabama is a state where a man that rapes a woman, is tried and convicted of said rape, can still seek and fight for custody of that child. So, if the woman chooses to keep the child, for whatever reason, he has the legal right to see the child; further victimizing the woman.  

I’ll make my position very clear. I don’t agree that abortions should be used as a form of birth control, in the way the conservatives would like to make it seem. 

I don’t think a woman should have multiple abortions, just to avoid having a child. However, my position still remains that, it’s her right to choose. I prefer people educate themselves on sex and try and explore methods that work for them. There are a host of birth control options: condoms (male & female), diaphragms (although a bit outdated, but can still do the trick to avoid becoming pregnant). There’s the pill (it comes in many different doses and level of hormones), the shot, the ring, the patch, various IUDs, and lastly, the implant. 

Since the age of 14 when I lost my virginity, I’ve used a plethora of birth control methods. Yet, even I, on two separate occasions, found myself pregnant.  

I was approximately 16 years old when I had my first abortion; I was using a condom with my partner and, guess what, it broke! There was no Plan B at the time, so I just had to wait. I still hoped with all hope that I would not end up pregnant. However, once I missed my period, it became abundantly clear what my next step would be.  

I didn’t want to tell my mom because, I can admit it now that, I was ashamed. She knew I wasn’t a virgin but I didn’t want her to know that I was having sex. So one of my older friends came with me the day of my operation and he gave me the money. When it was all over I felt sad, but more relieved. I had hit the re-start button on my life and I told myself I was going to do better; and I did. Until it happened again.  

After my first abortion I went from, in conjunction with condoms, to the pill then the  depo-shot. I had come to a period where I wasn’t having sex and I let my shot period go slightly out of date; and I had sex with an old-faithful partner and a newer partner. This time around, the choice wasn’t as easy. I was 18 and a HS graduate, with a job. I could take care of this child if I chose to keep it. But, I’d have got put college on the back-burner, settle for a job to get by, no career, and just hope that the father wouldn’t be a dead-beat.  Oh, I’d also have to have a DNA test; immediately my mind went to an episode of Maury. I was crying in the bathroom of my job, and sulking around the house. This time, I did tell my mom and she understood my decision. After my operation, she and my brother picked me up and we drove home.  

I took a break from sex and have been on steady birth control ever since. I started with the IUD, which gave me heavier than normal periods. Then I switched to the patch; this was better, if not for the ugly scar it would leave on my abdomen. My most successful method was the Nuva-Ring. Boy! Did I love the Nuva-Ring! I never forgot it, I didn’t have any weird side-effects. I was even able to regulate my period as I wanted. Say I was going on vacation and that was going to be the week of my period; instead of the week off, I’d just put the next ring in and Voila! Another 3 weeks of no blood. This was all rainbows and butterflies; until the price went from $15 for 3 months, to $75 for 1 month. I was not willing to pay that much month. So, I asked my GYN if there was any other options and she recommended the Nexplanon. It’s a mini rod-implant that goes into the arm and lasts for 4 years. I said; “SIGN ME UP!” 

I’ve been pregnancy-scare-free ever since, and I still use condoms, to avoid any other STD/Is. With that being said, I’m always shocked when I go to have sex with a man, and he’s resistant to use a condom. This is why I often lie to my partners and tell them I’m not on birth control to avoid the headache of “Why we have to use condoms, you wont get pregnant” bs.  

It would be great if we lived in a world where education and pregnancy prevention was placed on a higher pedestal. It’s been proven to that abstinence doesn’t work to prevent people from having sex, it only forces them to become ill-informed on the choices they make with their bodies. If we stop shaming the act of sex and talk about it from an educational POV, so those that do engage in sex will make wiser decisions, I’m sure we’ll see a dramatic drop in abortion rates.  

Until we get there though; talk to your partner, before you have sex with them, to know where they stand on the issue. For the men who want kids; know that if your partner does not, she has full rights to terminate that pregnancy. And, for the men that don’t want kids; if she becomes pregnant and refuses to terminate that pregnancy; you will now be a father. Having a 15 minute conversation cloud eliminate a lifetime of headache or an invasive surgery.  

There have been theories tossed out about why this law was allowed to pass in the first place. 

But my opinion is simply that, those in charge still desire to control the reproductive rights of women.  

They bitched when women entered the workforce and started having less babies. They bitched when women started speaking about our own sexuality. They bitched about birth control. Now, they’re bitching about abortions.  

At the same time, they’ll deny women that want to get their tubes tied; to avoid becoming pregnant in the first place. While those same people, will bitch when a woman has a child she can’t afford; then has to seek government assistance. There’s not winning.  

Those in charge and those that have eaten too much yogurt-shit can be manipulated to think it’s a religious based decision, or a right to breathe decision, but it’s all about control of women. 

Swirly shit in a cone with a cherry on top is still SHIT!  

So, to those who have so much to say about my reproductive rights, I say “MIND YOUR OWN UTERUS!” 

Oh! The Disrespect Is Real

DISRESPECT IS REAL HEADER-01

Online dating definitely has its ups and downs. I’ve been cancelled on, stood up, cat-fished, and lied to. So after online dating, for almost 20 years, not much surprised me; until I was surprised.

I was at a point when I started to question my outward appearance. I was experimenting with hair color and styles and making more and more bold fashion choices. I realized that a lot of men would not appreciate and/or get my fashion choices, so I realized I would have to find someone as equally fashion explorative as I was. So one afternoon a message popped up on my phone and the man on my screen looked to fit the bill, M_OKC. He had a very afro-punk vibe: funky-fun glasses, fun fashion and a bleached Afro; so I replied back. We messaged back and forth for the rest of the afternoon. When I got home he called me and we spoke on the phone and the conversation was quite amazing.

He lived in Brooklyn, worked for FedEx, and was a drummer for a church on weekends. As the conversation progressed I found out we had a lot in common: music, food, travel goals, etc. When he mentioned that he had a set of twin daughters I wasn’t too enthused; but I figured I keep an open mind to see what would happen. He had a mouth like a sailor as we spoke but I wanted to keep an open mind. We joked about the future and discussed our past dating experiences. He gave me tons on compliments: I’m beautiful; he’s so lucky to have met me, and why was I single, since I’m perfect. He was laying on the compliments thicken than icing on a cake, so I just ate it all up. We agreed to meet the next day after work. Throughout the day we messaged back and forth. We agreed to meet in Times Square at 6pm.

At around 5pm I messaged him just to make sure our plans were still on. After years of online dating cancellations; confirmations had become a habit of mine. Luckily he confirmed our plans were still on, so I continued to work and wait for 6pm to arrive.

6 o’clock came, then 6:15 and nothing. I thought; maybe, there was a train delay, so I gave him a call to see where he was. He answers and I ask him is ETA. His response was the farthest thing from what I would have expected to hear.

(The below exchange isn’t quite verbatim, but extremely close to the original conversation)

He: “I’m in the Bronx”

Me: “What do you mean you’re in the Bronx?” When I spoke to you last you were in the Brooklyn.”

He: “Well my friend said he’d drive me and we ended up here”

Me: “So how do you plan to get here?”

He: “I’m so sorry! I’m going hop on the train right now.”

Me: “What train are you by?”

At this point he’s lost in the Bronx. He’s by a number of trains, all of which can get him to the Times Square area within 30-45 minutes maximum. I told him to ask a person on the street the way to the nearest train. He finds the 2 & 3 train and I tell him to get on it and get off at Times Square. I made no other plans for the afternoon, so I agreed to wait for him to arrive.

An entire hour passes by and he still is nowhere to be found. At this point I am livid, so I give him another call.

Me: “Where the hell are you?”

He: “I’m still in the Bronx, where am I supposed to meet you again?”

I was still in the office, and infuriated with his lack of respect for my time. I didn’t raise my voice but my annoyance was definitely understood. My coworker, whom was also in the office with me was having a riot listening to me verbally rip this guy a new asshole.

Me: “What the hell do you mean you’re still in the Bronx. You should have been here by now.

He: “I know- I’m coming though.”

Me: Don’t bother. You have wasted my entire afternoon. You and I are not meeting; not today, not ever. Have a nice life.

I ended the call, and refused to answer when he called back repeatedly.

Whenever I was in a bad mood, I’ve realized that, to make myself feel better- I would go shopping, so, that’s exactly what I did. I walked to Grand Central, went to Rainbow and loaded up on fashions that would erase the horrible day away. At this point my phone was going off. He was calling and texting me to no avail. Now, 20 minutes after I hung up on him, it was almost 8pm; and he texts me, I’m here where are you?” I was in the fitting room trying on new clothes and against my better judgments I replied to his message.

Me: “I went home- I waited 2 hours for you. You didn’t care so I left”

He: “Come back, I want to meet you.”

Me: “I don’t want to meet you anymore. Have a nice time.”

He then released an arsenal of verbal abuse… I was called a spoiled bitch. He said I was lucky he gave me the time of day. He said I wasn’t that cute anyway and I was a waste of his time.

Call me crazy but I was not the one that skipped past his destination and back again (if that’s what even happened) and I was not the one that showed up 2 hours later. I was well within my right to cancel this date. And to make it clear this date was not going to happen I had said so before I hung up the phone. So his choice to still come downtown was another dumb move on his part.

I didn’t answer his calls but I replied to his texts. As a father, with a set of twin daughters how could you fix your mind to be that disrespectful to a woman? This ruined date was no fault of mine. So for him to be mad at me was ridiculous.

When I get extremely angry rather than stoop to basic slang, for some reason I become a scholar so I tend to use big words that I know further infuriates the person I am arguing with.

Me: “The level of disrespect you have just exhibited was totally unnecessary. How would you feel if a man spoke to your daughters with the language you just used towards me?”

He: “My daughters wouldn’t act like you, so no one would speak to them like that”

Me: “So you would want your daughters to wait around for 2 hours for a man. I highly doubt that. Anyway- like I said before, this debate is done. Do whatever you want and have a nice life”

I blocked his number, blocked him on OKC, and blocked him on Instagram.

I have dealt with many unfortunate situations in my dating life. That one, however, was the most disrespectful. How the hell did he come to the conclusion that I was the problem? He came to that conclusion because he was a crazy asshole- that’s how. I hope to never run into a man like that again in life but as unfortunate as life can be, I know at some point I will. Luckily the second time around I will notice the signs.