Tag Archives: HONEST

YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL

Variety is the spice of life; sure, we could fair just fine if we were all limited to just one essential item to survive with, but we all like having options (just not too many). I wouldn’t walk into a buffet and only get one thing. I look at the buffet, see what my options are, and attack accordingly. I try a little bit of this and a little bit of that; that way, when I go back for seconds, I know what to pile on and what to disregard. Stepping into polyamory, I applied this same idea to love and relationships.  

I love knowing that I have a connection with another human being. I love knowing that someone supports me and I support them; and above all else, I love knowing that I don’t have to sugar-coat my life or belittle myself to fit a mold. I also put the responsibility on my partner to make me happy. Then, I heard Jada Pinkett-Smith (on her show, Red Table Talk) discuss the importance of self-satisfaction and completion. She stressed the importance of being happy in your own life; not requiring outside things and/or people to make you happy. I interpreted this message in a way that made sense and it worked for me; and with that I was able to come into my truth and step into my polyamorous identity.  

I told my family, all in a group at my brother’s apartment, at the time. They didn’t quite understand what I meant (as they were all, like most people, monogamous); so, I had to break it down in simpler terms. After explaining, I don’t know if they fully understood my decision in lifestyle, but they said that they supported me, and that was enough. I currently have three men I’m dating; two men that I met in the beginning of my journey; and one that entered my life in, what seemed to me at the time, the most unlikely place (Hey Baby!- That story’s for another post). Since my journey began there was one other, but we’ve ceased communication. It was nice while it lasted, but as he was not “in the lifestyle”, trying to live a non-monogamous life was difficult for him, so we dialed it back to friends/occasional acquaintances. 

When I started this journey, I didn’t know what would happen; so, it was important to lay down some ground rules.  

Rule 1: Connection had to be more important, than the sex. 

Rule 2: Discuss and Disclose 

I won’t deny; that there have been moments where, going back to a monogamous way of living seemed easier. I’d find myself liking a moment and thinking, how nice it would be to have only him. Then I remember, living this lifestyle means I can honestly and ethically have it all. I can grab drinks and make-out one evening; and the next day I can do it all again, and finish it with mind-blowing sex. Knowing that I don’t have to limit myself has made all the difference. 

I won’t deny the fact that, it does require effort and time to periodically check in and make sure I’m attentive to all my connections, but it’s an effort of passion, rather than obligation. When I was monogamous, I felt obligated to call, text, and make time. Now, I do all of that, because I truly want to.  

For people that live monogamous lifestyles, they don’t understand my choice. It’s one thing to ‘get it’ it’s another thing to understand it fully. Many people, family and friends included, just think my decision to live this lifestyle is temporary. They think that my decision is parallel to that of someone who’s dating around or doing this until I find the one. When I speak of my primary, whom checks all of my boxes, they don’t understand why I keep the other men around. I have to re-iterate to them that the connections I have with my partners are stronger than that, and not easily dismissed.  

When the topic of marriage comes up, they wonder there as well. Being fully transparent with my partners, they all know that other men exist, in a perfect world, they may become acquaintances. If one desires to legally solidify our union, it would be understood that the other men would still be in my life in the same capacity.  

When the topic of children comes up, it’s essentially the same situation. For the next 2-3 years the baby making factory is closed, as I am on birth control. I’ve always known that weather or not, I’m asked to be a wife, being a mother was always a title that I desired. Of course, the concern arises; Whom would be the father? How would you choose? How would you raise them? Wouldn’t they get confused? I often counter; Many positive male role models is better than one. The father would be the father, just like a monogamous relationship. My other partners would be a figure in my child’s life in the capacity of a family friend or uncle; and when my child is older, I would sit him or her down and explain our lifestyle to them. 

Sure, it sounds crazy and complicated; but isn’t an honest, loving, and transparent relationships with my partners, and hypothetical-future children better than a broken home? I’d much rather see my partners getting along, my child surrounded by lots of love, and a few extra people. The saying, it takes a village to raise a child, should not be ignored in this lifestyle.  

When all is said and done, when the times are right; I will address each situation and make the best decision for myself and my family, along with my partner(s). 

The Ex Files_Part 4: Tired of Tired

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So, let’s do a recap.  

October-November: Casually Dating 

November-January: We’re sleeping together. No official title. No gift for Christmas and no time spent together for the holidays. 

February (Valentine’s Day): First official argument. I requested a date, that he agreed to, yet never fulfilled. I got him a card.  

February-March: He proposes a mini vacation that he never follows through on. 

April-May: Still no title. We’re seeing each other about once a week. Actual romantic dates are not frequently happening. Most dates are basic movies and/or cheap dinners or takeout.  

June (My Birthday Month): I receive no present. 

July (My family vacation to Vegas): He said he would attend but he did not.  

August: I was ready to put my foot down and/or call it quits. He then called me his girlfriend and I fell in stupid all over again. He offered to buy me tickets to the Motown play. 

September-October: The rocky ground becomes flaming coals as I become frustrated with yet another promise that is never fulfilled (Six Flags Fright Fest).  

So here we are, in November. I had grown tired of his bullshit. However, for reasons (which I will address in a totally different post to come later) I couldn’t completely cut the cord and walk away.  

We had stopped speaking for a few days after he let me down with the Six Flags fiasco. I played the dumb game most of us play: he’d text me and I would wait hours to text him back etc. Then, one afternoon he gave me a call. Claiming how he missed me and wanted to see me. At this point, I had grown tired of leaving my job, travelling on the train for over an hour just to go to his house and do nothing but watch tv and get crappy takeout. If I wanted to watch tv I could do that at my own damn house. I came to the realization that he was not a pick up on signals type of guy. I would have to make it crystal clear for him. So, I asked him “Where are we going to go?” His response; “I have to see how I feel, I might be tired.” To which I responded: “That’s fine. Hit me up when you’re not tired. Because I am sick and tired of you being tired whenever I come by. Ok.” I then hung up the phone.  

He was furious with me; but I gave ZERO FUCKS. I was done caring about his feelings and him being tired- blah fucking blah! He immediately called me back; he was shocked that I hung up on him and that I would say that. He complained that I was the busy one and that I didn’t make time for him. Which was bull shit! For months I had been asking for us to spend a weekend together and it never happened. He complained that my schedule was too complicated for him and that it was too much work for him to remember my schedule. To which I responded- all he had to do was ask me my availability. He called it “making an appointment” I called it “communication”.  

I did a little digging during the course of our relationship. I found out that in his previous relationships his partners either, didn’t work or had very limited social lives and he had also taken care of them. They lived with him, didn’t work, and he handled all the bills. He was used to dating women that would always be available because they did nothing else. He was used to doing what he wanted when he wanted because he was the one that always paid. Think about it; if you’re a “kept woman” and you want to go on a vacation but rely on your man to pay for it; you have to convince him and/or wait for him to want to go on said vacation. This was his dating life for over a decade, prior to meeting me. He was not used to dating a girl that worked, had a social life, and had plans. He was used to doing what he wanted, when he wanted, and it never being an issue. Sadly- that was not they dynamics of my life; they never were and never will be. My independence matters to me, my social life matters to me, my family, my friends, my fitness all matter to me; and when I’m in relationship, my partner matters to me. To me, I thought I was doing a great job at balancing it all; to him, however, I was not.  

Needless to say, nothing got resolved on that phone call; it became very tit for tat. Eventually I got tired of to a brick wall so, I said goodnight and ended the conversation. 

We didn’t see each other for another 2 weeks. When he finally called and asked to take me out, we set a date for a weekend, we went to Juniper in Brooklyn and went to the movies after. Dinner and the movie were nice gestures, but it was like putting whip cream and a cherry on shit and calling it chocolate ice cream. 

When we got back to his place, we tried to talk things out. I told him that I was not happy in the relationship. He couldn’t understand what I was unhappy about. He said he was happy with me so why was I not happy with him; as if it was a barter system (happy for happy). For starters, I never met any of his family and/or friends; even though I had invited him on many occasions to meet mine; he simply never showed up. I brought up the fact that over and over he made promises and never kept them. To which his response was “well I never promised.” He didn’t comprehend that; whether or not you use the word promise when you agreed and you didn’t follow through, it still hurts. I told him that his not caring about how I felt hurt and he claimed I chose to be upset and that I should just learn to let things go. In essence, all the things I was complaining about didn’t matter to him.  

He didn’t care about meeting my family or friends; because to him it wasn’t a big deal. He didn’t care about dates- he was just happy to be with me. He didn’t care about broken plans because to him we would always have time. Lastly, he felt that I held on to things and that I should, like him, just let them go. I had to explain to him he and I were not the same person. A person has to be willing to compromise with their partner if the relationship is to be successful. I had compromised a hell of a lot; I changed my routine and I became a home-body, I let movies and take-out replace actual dates because my guy was a casual guy, I started watching sports because he liked sports and, I made less plans to try and be available for him more. I was done compromising. I wanted dates and romance, but I also wanted honored plans, and experiences together. I told him, I’m the type of girl that when I am wronged you have to acknowledge the wrong and fix it; I do not just let shit go. If you put a crack in a vase you have to fix it, if not the crack will get worse and eventually the vase will break. I told him if he wanted this relationship to work there would have to be changes made on his part. I asked him, just to try things my way- if it didn’t work then we would cut our losses but at least give it a try. The way I saw it was: We did things your way and it doesn’t work, now let’s try it my way.  

Him trying things my way lasted for about 2 weeks. 

(Part 4 Coming Very Soon) 

Oh, I fogot to tell you- I’m married. (Part 1)

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For the life of me I may never understand or comprehend men or women that get married and decide to have an affair. For the purpose of this story, let me further clarify what I mean.

  1. The “Honest” cheater: The men that openly wear their wedding ring and cheat with women that simply don’t care that they are married.
  2. The “Same Time Next Year” cheater: The men that engage in affairs with married women. (Same Time Next Year is a movie about two married individuals that meet up at the same time every year to have an affair over the course of 20-30 years- a very good movie and a must watch)
  3. The “Whoops!” cheater: The men that truly slip up and fall into another woman’s vagina.

I’m talking about the “Messy” cheater: The men that set up online profiles, with a single status, and relationship goals listed as; dating, long term, and marriage. This cheater is the scum of the earth cheater. This cheater should have his balls cut off and put into a meat grinder. This cheater I have met on two different occasions, that I am now sure of, and this post is all about my encounter with The “Messy” Cheater.

I first started talking to V_OKC in the beginning of 2016. He messaged me one day and we spoke on and off for about a week or two. We finally exchanged numbers and made a plan to meet up on Sunday afternoon for coffee. He texted me to say he wanted to reschedule, which was fine as I had just finished a long run and just wanted to stay home and relax. We said we would reschedule sometime in the near future – this never happened but the blame is on both he and I.

Almost 6 months later he contacts me again on OKC. I just ended a “dating-ship” with another gentleman so I wasn’t in the best of spirits. When he messaged me I was more blunt that I would have been, had I never spoke to him before. I was in the “no time for games mentality – come correct or don’t come at all”. He explained that he had lost his phone and my contact etc. So myself, being optimistic and attracted to him, decided to give it another try. We spoke for about a week via text and on the phone, morning, noon, night, essentially all the time. In my mind I’m thinking; could this actually result in a positive ending? He worked in building management, lived on the upper east side, in his mid 30s, no kid, and down with the swirl. We agreed to meet for cupcakes on a Sunday afternoon; I met him at Two Little Red Hens. He was already there waiting for me and when I walked in I knew him immediately. He was gorgeous! Nice skin, clean shave, and short hair, deep brown eyes, and nice lips. He got up to give me a hug and his arms were just the right amount of muscles for his body. He got on line with me and purchased my cupcake (chocolate blackout) and latte and we sat back down.

We talked about everything: education, politics, differences in our cultures, (he’s from Albania), food, music, and the time flied by. I was so happy to finally be on a date with someone I was physically attracted to and that didn’t scoff at a $5 latte. He had a career, no kids, we had similarities, and he lived near me- how much better could it get? We sat there for what might have been 4-5 hours talking, it was dark out and the place was closing so we walked to his car. We got in and sat and talked some more. He asked if he could kiss me and even though I said yes, my mind was thinking what took you so long? The kiss was perfect: hot and passionate, just like I like a kiss to be. We stayed in his car kissing for almost an hour and then we realized it was almost midnight, so he drove me home and kissed me as I exited. The next morning conversation went the same as before. Good morning texts, afternoon texts, evening calls all lengthy and in depth. We spoke about past relationships, dating, friends, hobbies, and ideal relationship goals, sex, and fantasies. Nothing in our conversations and exchanges gave me any red flags; this went on for about another two weeks. Then suddenly I stopped hearing from him.

Now, you should know this about me; some women think their man or a guy they’re seeing is always cheating on them. If he doesn’t answer his phone or a text or is 5 minutes late he’s with another woman. My mind does not work that way. I know that both men and women cheat but they are not all cheaters. So when I didn’t hear from him I honestly thought, like last time, he lost his phone or as with other previous experiences, he lost interest. But I gave it a few days because I really like this guy and I wanted to give the fantasies in my head time to become a reality.

The fantasy of us cuddling and kissing on the couch, the one where we’re walking down the street from dinner, the one where we’re both exhausted from passionate love making and in each other’s embrace. It all could have been a reality if I just have faith. But I grew impatient and gave him a call.

To my surprise, he answered. I don’t give him more than 30 seconds before I dug in. “Why haven’t I heard from you? What happened? We had a good first date and talk for weeks then you disappear- what’s your issue?”                                                                      There was a pause – and then his reply came.                                                                               “I know- I do like you and I want to keep getting to know you. But I forgot to tell you I’m married”

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU FORGET THAT YOU’RE MARRIED??

In that moment, standing in the all white bathroom of my former job, I saw nothing but red. Had he told me in person, I might have punched him, very hard, in the face. He tried to smooth it over by saying again that; he really liked me and even worse, still wanted to get to know me… HOW SWAY?? I told him to lose my number and forget he ever met me.

Now some of you might say it was a blessing that I didn’t do anything with him or whatever. But the damage was already done. I am one of those females that, depending on the vibes I receive, my emotions will grow. I start to visualize a near future; first romantic dates, then intimacy, then a romantic relationship. The problem with that is, when the reality hits me that all the romantic possibilities I hoped for will never become a reality that fantasy world comes crashing down and with it some of my heart.

Part 2 Next Week